Let's face it, Toronto sports fans aren't exactly living the dream life right now. To put it mildly, all our teams SUCK. The Raptors are the only hope we have bordering around the .500 level. So to those questioning their allegiance to the Toronto sports teams, here are some reasons why you should keep up your support!
1. The Toronto Blue Jays Pitching Staff
We lost Roy Halladay, the best pitcher in the world right now, yet somehow the Blue Jays pitching staff is something to get excited about? Before you start yelling Dane you’re an idiot and think I’ve been into the rum and coke again, hear me out. I’m not excited about the pitching staff for talent, but the current Jays pitching staff can be summed up in 2 words....Unintentional Comedy. Jesse Litsch, Dustin McGowan, Shaun Marcum, Kyle Drabek all have had Tommy John surgery or major reconstructive arm surgery in the last 3 years. That has to be some sort of record. The Blue Jays should be forced to hold a roster spot for Tommy John. He’s more important to the franchise then half our players are right now. The state of the Blue Jays pitching health could bring forth an interesting gambling game. Get your buddies together and start a pool as to which of these pitchers will be going on the DL first with arm related injuries! Think of how dramatic games will get as Marcum works late into the 5th inning and looks to have lost his zip on the fastball. Will tomorrows headline show a DL trip? Edge of your seat excitement!!! Filling out the Jays pitching staff we have Dirk Hayhurst, who with a name like that should probably be nailing Briana Banks right now. Brian Tallet, who I am convinced is actually Will Ferrell doing research for an upcoming movie on a journeyman baseball bullpen pitcher. As Scary Movie stated, movies have the token black guy. The Blue Jays feel the need to have a token Canadian. A Player born in Canada who really isn’t a big league talent but because he’s Canadian the Blue Jays sign him. Examples include Rob Butler, Rob Ducey, Rich Butler, and Simon Pond. The current edition is Scott Richmond, who with a career 5.27 ERA is playing the role perfectly. Let’s not forget Mark Ziphf...uhh Rzepthy....umm Rzifha....Rzepczynski, the dude who has a name only his mother can spell. He looks exactly like the pitcher on my slo-pitch team.....only my pitcher can probably hit 80 on the gun. Then we have Vincent Vega from Pulp Fiction....I mean Scott Downs, and my favourite Jesse Carlson. He may not be able to get guys out but if a freestyle battle broke out in the locker room I bet you Carlson would kill it! Ladies and Gentleman your 2010 Blue Jays pitchers!
2. Phil kessel
Yes I know we gave up our next 43 first round draft picks to get him, but dammit he will be good! Kessel is a top line goal scorer in the NHL, which the Leafs needed desperately. Watch any Leafs game and he is a game breaker, Leaf fans get a semi boner every time he gets a head of steam with the puck. We must be patient though and not jump all over this guy for lack of production. The two centers he has played with are Matt Stajan and Tyler Bozak. No offence to Stajan, he’s a great 2nd or 3rd line center, and Bozak will be a good player, but you don’t buy a Porsche and then put cheap gas in it. Kessel needs a top line assist man to make sweet music together. We have a better chance of seeing Brian Burke with his tie fully tightened then we do of seeing the Leafs in the playoffs with their current forwards. At the top of Burkie’s offseason agenda is getting Kessel talent to work with, let’s hope it happens.
3. The Toronto FC Experience
So you get two Toronto FC tickets and you want to take a friend who isn’t really into soccer. Here is the appropriate way to get this person to attend the game.
Person A- “Hey man I’m headin to this party down by the Lakeshore Saturday afternoon, you wanna come?
Person B- “Whose goin?”
Person A- “It’s gunna be huge man, like 20 000 people are gunna be there, we will have a few drinks, dance with some babes and make some new friends, you down?
Person B- “ Gee that sounds horrible, Of course I’m down”
See that’s all you need to get someone to a Toronto FC game. You don’t even need to mention the fact you will be at a soccer game. To diehard fans of soccer like myself then the game is great, but you can hate soccer and have an amazing time at a Toronto FC game, this I promise you. If you like drinking copious amounts of Beer, jumping around like an idiot and meeting new people then this is the place for you. No other sporting event in Toronto is like this. Soccer is almost secondary at any Toronto FC game. I challenge you to attend a game and not have a fantastic time, especially if you like European women
4. Having your choice of seat at the Rogers center
See the beauty of supporting a rebuilding baseball team isn’t that you can see young players develop or watch something be built, its seat selection! The Rogers Center seats 52 000, and you can bet that any game not including the Red Sox, Yankees, or Doc Halladay’s one visit home will bring in roughly 10 000 fans. Why not head down to the park with the family, drop 30 bucks for 4 seats in the 500 level and then by the 3rd inning head on down to the 100 level for a great view. Blue Jays baseball....Affordable Family Entertainment! (provided they are playing a good team, because the stench from the Jays dugout may not be all that entertaining)
5. Brian Burke’s vocabulary
What words that nobody has ever heard of will he come out with before next season? Last season we had the fantastic “We require, as a team, proper levels of pugnacity, testosterone, truculence and belligerence. That’s how our teams play.” If Pugnacity means unable to hold a 3 goal lead then I’d say we are right on the appropriate level. If truculence means falling behind 2-0 in almost every game we play, then we are passing that test with flying colours. As for testosterone levels, well we would have to ask the Leaf wives and girlfriends, but if the testosterone in the bedroom matches what we have seen on the ice, then Mrs. Orr and Mrs. Rosehill are probably happy women....the rest probably have Tiger Woods on speed dial.
6. Adam Lind and Aaron Hill
Remember in the early 90’s when Oakland had the Bash Brothers Mark McGwire and Jose Canseco. They used to smash homeruns by night and inject needles into ass cheeks by day. Well in the non steroid era of baseball , the bash brothers are going to resemble people you see every day in the line at Tim Hortons. Since coming back from his horriawful collision with David Eckstein (Side Note: What was David Eckstein’s deal? Not only did he screw the Jays over by playing to about 20 percent of his potential while he was here, but he took out our best player for a season? What did Toronto ever do to David Eckstein!) Hill had been a beast. He also plays great defence making him the best all around player the Jays have had since Hall of Famer Robbie Alomar. (What`s that? Alomar isn’t a hall of famer? Very funny, the guy is a 12 time All-Star and 10 time gold glover, of course he’s a hall of famer. What? You’re serious? Because he spit on some dude he’s not a hall of famer? Oh so he didn’t get into the Great Person hall of fame, but he’s in the baseball hall of fame right? He’s not? He’s actually not in the baseball hall of fame? WTF?) Hill is a clutch bat, great defender, doesn’t seem suicidal that he’s playing in Toronto, and doesn’t appear to be spitting on anyone anytime soon. Then there is Adam Lind. Did anyone hit more opposite field homeruns last year? Most dudes hit the ball off the end of the bat and it’s a foul ball. Lind hits Bombs off the end of his bat. He is the best DH in the American League, and he’s actually in shape. Which is kind of upsetting, I think it should be a rule that all DH’s have to be at least 40lbs overweight and lose to Bengie Molina in a 40 yard dash. Lind trains in the offseason in a barn in Indiana, now that sounds very Canadian of him. Can we get him to become a Canadian citizen so he can be our token Canadian. A token Canadian who actually produces....WOW!
7. Demar Derozen
When the Raptors drafted Derozen this past season, I was pretty turbo excited. As an avid College Hoops fan, I watched Derozen cram on the Pac-10 while at USC and couldn`t wait for him to join the Raptors. This is also because I was appalled at the money we gave Hedo Turkoglu, the ultimate YMCA pickup baller. (Seriously I think Hedo is confused and thinks he is playing pickup ball at the YMCA. He jacks stupid shots, doesn`t hit the boards, rarely gets back on defence, and if you watched the Bucks game recently was bent over out of breath the whole 2nd half....but he`s a hit with the Turkish community!!!) Anyway Derozen can fly, but more importantly he has an awful jump shot. My co-ed intramural team at Brock had 5 better shooters then Derozen. Some see this as a bad thing, but I love it. See that guy who used to dunk for the raptors (I refuse to say the former #15’s name) was awesome for 2 years, but then he learned how to shoot and that’s all he wanted to do. Let’s prohibit Derozen from working with any shooting coaches so he has no choice but to dunk on people. Atleast for five years, then we can work with him. Sounds like a sexy plan to me!
8. Buck Martinez
So Buck has become the television voice of the Blue Jays. Buck used to be the analyst for the Blue Jays when Jim Hughson and Dan Shulman did the Blue Jays play by play. Not only has the Blue Jays talent on the field hit the crapper, the last few years our broadcasting followed suit. Rance Mulliniks, Pat Tabler and Darrin Fletcher as our analysts and Jamie Campbell as our play by play announcer? Come on! Stevie Wonder could do a better job describing the action then Jamie Campbell. Who knows if Buck will be a good play by play announcer, but Buck is a smart man. He could suck and he would still be beloved by Jay fans because of who he is following. Jamie seems like a nice guy, the kind of guy your daughter marries and as a father your happy because you know he`s never going to cheat, but this wasn`t the job for him. It`s kind of like the bar when you`re going to talk to some women. You pick a decent looking girl and wait til a real d-bag goes and talks to this girl, after he gets rejected you make your move. Yeah you might not be the best lookin` dude in the bar, but compared to this guy your Brad Pitt.` So Buck whether you suck or not, Blue Jay nation says Thank You.
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