That's Brock....He won intramural wrestling four years in a row.
What is an Intramural All-Star? Basically anyone who goes to University competes in Intramural Sports at some point in their career. With that many people participating in Intramural Sports, how does one become an All-Star? There are very few people who can appropriately call themselves Intramural All-Stars, and here’s the difference between participation......and DOMINATION!
If you have a team name that took more than 30 seconds to create, you are not an Intramural All-Star. See while your fat ass is thinking of a name that people will chuckle at, we’re in the gym doing plyometrics.....crushing out that last set of 65lb curls.....doing a 14 minute wall sit. Intramural Participants work hard to have a funny name they will laugh at. We don’t find team names funny, Intramural All-Stars find it funny when we smash volleyballs off people’s faces, lay an open field spear in ‘flag’ football, rub someone out on the boards in non-contact hockey, we find that shit hilarious!
If you have ever worn pants to play intramural sports not in an arena, you are not an Intramural All-star. We don’t care if it’s 30 degrees below zero for the flag football finals, we wear shorts. We are athletes....Athletes wear shorts. Put on long socks and work harder. Some people say an extra layer of clothing is the key to staying warm, Intramural All-Stars say being up 35-0 at halftime is the best winter coat possible.
If you don’t listen to at least a 30 minute playlist of pump up music before an Intramural Event, you are not an Intramural All-Star. Intertube Water polo? There’s a playlist for that. Co-ed Broomball? There’s a playlist for that. Extra points if you make everyone on your block aware that you’re getting jacked for Co-ed Slo-pitch by turning your playlist on turbo ultra supersonic volume level.
If you don’t put your Intramural Teams record in your msn name, you are not an Intramural All-Star. Intramural Participants want people to know they are swamped with homework or are watching the Bachelor in their msn names. Intramural All-Stars let people know we are 37-0 over four Intramural Sports 6 weeks into the season.
If you don’t bring a bat that cost at least $300 to co-ed Sunday morning slo-pitch, you are not an Intramural All-Star team. Don’t even get us started on people who show up without cleats either. There’s also nothing wrong with hitting straight up the middle on a female pitcher in slo-pitch when you’re winning 21-0 in the third inning. Intramural All-Stars don’t feel good about being nice people, we feel good about cashing the runner in from 2nd base. It’s also extremely appropriate to line-up at home plate for your teams 8th homerun of the inning.
If you have never given your teammate the silent treatment following an intramural loss for at least three hours, you are not an Intramural All-Star. Listen, Friends don’t shank bumps on an easy float serve in volleyball or miss tackles in ‘flag’ football. Friends don’t show up 15 minutes late for regular season intramural indoor soccer. Friends don’t wear a black shirt when clearly the facebook message sent out three days prior said wear red. Friends may come and go, but Intramural t-shirts and glory last forever.
If you have never added someone on facebook just to invite them on your intramural team, you are not an Intramural All-Star. Most people get a group of friends together to pick their intramural team. Intramural All-Stars recruit harder then Urban Meyer at Florida. Participants play co-ed indoor soccer with the hot girl from biology and her housemates, Intramural All-Stars approach the butch German Exchange student who wears a Bayern Munich shirt to school every third day.
If you say sorry after hitting a girl in co-ed intramural sports, you are not an Intramural All-Star. We don’t see male or female when we play co-ed sports....we see a target....and they must be eliminated. When we break a girl’s nose in intramural dodge ball they should be thanking us, not getting mad. We simply sent a message to that participant that perhaps knitting or scrapbooking is more suited to their athletic ability. It is not our fault that we have do offseason 3 a day shoulder workouts to turn our arms into lethal weapons. You saw the cannon during warm-ups.....the option to forfeit was always on the table.
If you have never bled during an intramural event, you are not an Intramural All-Star. We don’t care if it’s the third game of self-refereed indoor co-ed ultimate Frisbee, we will dive into bleachers and walls to attempt a catch. It’s been scientifically proven that chicks dig scars, but you know what else they dig? Bedroom walls with intramural championship t-shirts hanging up.
If you have never grown a playoff beard for Intramural Playoffs, you are not an Intramural All-Star. We don’t care that we are meeting the girlfriend’s parents at dinner that night, until we lose or the championship t-shirt is in our hands, our pubic hair patchy beards will stay.
If your team has homemade t-shirts with your nicknames on the back, you are not an Intramural All-Star. Acceptable attire for Intramurals include professionally made screen printed jerseys or Matching Intramural Championship t-shirts from previous sports. What’s that? Your team doesn’t have enough previous championship t-shirts to wear? Maybe if you spent more time offseason training instead of making t-shirts that wouldn’t be an issue.
If you have never gotten a job working for Intramurals simply to ensure the best schedule, best court locations and early scouting on opposing teams, you are not an Intramural All-Star. There’s very little money in working for Intramurals, So why do all the All-Stars get jobs working there you ask? How many 2am hockey games do you guys have to play? We don’t ever play at that time slot. Wonder why your schedule has you playing the top five teams in the league while ours has us playing the bottom five? We don’t. Wonder why we never have players miss games due to missing student cards but you always do? Connections baby.
If you have ever said “Calm down, it’s just intramurals” to an opponent, you are not an Intramural All-Star. Yah it’s just intramurals....and World War II was just a war.....and Hayden Panettiere (http://cdn-www.cracked.com/articleimages/ob/hayden-panettiere_3868.jpg) is just a girl. It’s not just intramurals, it’s survival of the fittest, the strong will survive. Basically it proves who is more awesome at life. And judging by the drawer full of championship t-shirts we own, We just kicked your ass.
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