A big story in the news these days is the Gilbert Arenas firearms in the locker room situation. There’s a great difference in the reports from various news outlets on what actually happened. Well lucky for everyone I have received an eyewitness account from the Verizon Center locker room. Here is the exact story of how everything happened. I know it’s hard to believe but none of this is made up.
A dark, windy day in Washington D.C. Javaris “the kid” Crittenton, second year guard for the Washington Wizards, is negotiating his expensive tinted SUV through the back roads on his way to the Verizon Center for morning shoot around. Tumble weeds skip across the barren roadway, and in the distance a man can be heard whistling. A noise resembling a rattlesnake can be heard as Crittenton parks his car and enters the saloon, uh I mean Arena. Crittenton makes his way to the locker room where he sits and finds his nemesis, Gilbert “Zero” Arenas seated across the room. The tension could be cut with an extremely big machete.....which judging by the rest of the weapons readily available in the Wizards locker room wouldn’t shock anyone if it appeared....after all, there’s always been something fishy about Andray Blatche.
The kid strutted over Zero and stopped inches from his face.....
”Bout’ time you and me had a chat wouldn’t you say Zero?” jawed the Kid.
“I reckon it’s bout’ that time” responded Zero as he spit a wad of tobacco.
Kid- “We don’t much like folks who don’t pay gambling debts round these parts....what you gonna do about that Zero?”
Zero- “You best watch you be accusing people of kid, remember I’m the sheriff in this town.”
“Don’t you play dumb now Zero, you know you into me for $25 000, and you best be paying.” Said the Kid taking a threatening step towards Zero.
Zero- “Doesn’t ring a bell to me, but if you don’t step back, that money is gonna be the last thing you needs to be worryin bout’”
Kid- “So that’s how its gonna be eh Zero? After all we been thru together you gunna pull a stunt like this? Well I ain’t gunna stand for it.”
“HA, what you gunna do boy, you barely out of diapers, they trust you with a gun yet?” scoffed Zero.
“Meet me at my locker at high noon after shoot around and find out” said the Kid as he headed up the tunnel to the court for shoot around.
And with that, the Shootout at the Verizon Coral was set. High noon, following morning shoot around. Now folks round’ these parts know Agent Zero has never met a gun fight he didn’t like. The only thing quicker then Zero’s mouth was his release on the trigger. He’s even been known to yell the words “Hibachi!” following a victorious duel. As talented as Zero was with the trigger, it was long thought his mouth would eventually get him into a situation he couldn’t get out of. Was this the situation? Agent Zero couldn’t believe how the Kid had disrespected him, and he was out for blood.
Zero left practice 5 minutes early to set up the showdown. In an ultimate show of defiance, he placed all three of his Cougar Magnum Dirty Harry pistols on the bench in front of The Kid’s locker with the menacing words “Pick One.” Zero was waiting at The Kid’s locker when he returned and read the note. “I don’t need your Sally Ann pistols” said the Kid, “This here is what I carry.” On that note the Kid pulled out his sawed off double barrel shotgun.
“Let’s get to it, 10 steps aughta do it” said Zero spitting a wad of tobacco on the Kid’s Nike Air Saddle riders.
The clock struck high noon as the two men stood back to back in the middle of the Verizon Coral. The combatants took 9 steps each, and then......on the 10th step.....
“Bang.....Bang....Bang! Reach for the Sky!”
Zero and the Kid turned to find Sheriff Stern standing in the middle of the room, 2 pistols trained on both men, being accompanied by his weasel deputy Gary “Snake” Bettman. He hadn’t been seen round these parts since 93!
“What you think is goin on here hombres?” asked Sheriff Stern, guns trained on the two combatants chest. “You know my rule bout high noon duels in my jurisdiction.”
Stern- “Are you boys really that stupid that you want to test my rules? You seen what happened to Bad Boy Ron Ron when he went against my saying in that saloon brawl a few years back?” “Kid, Zero, y’all dumber then some hombre who would turn down over 250 million for a hockey team, uhh I mean cattle ranch, and then sell your team, I mean cattle stock for less than 130!” Deputy Snake slithered out of the room at this point.
“Now I’m gonna have to punish you folks......Deputy Blatche....keep your machete trained on these men.....and take em away!” grunted Sheriff Stern.
And as the sun set on the Verizon Coral that day, Javaris ‘the kid’ Crittenton and Gilbert ‘Zero’ Arenas were taken off into the sunset by Deputy Blatche....Sheriff Stern reigned supreme one last time in his county.
And that’s exactly how the story happened.
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