Reasons Why Curling is Awesome

Before the Olympics I used to hate Curling. Mostly because TSN would show curling during the afternoons and disrupt my daily Around the Horn, Pardon the Interruption routine. The Vancouver Olympics has made curling the biggest ‘can’t miss television event’ since The Jersey Shore. Now to those who are late getting on board the Curling train, let me give you some reasons why Curling is something you might be interested in.

1.Any child who enjoys sports growing up dreams of one day being a professional athlete or an Olympian. Curling makes that dream attainable. You could realistically be an Olympic Curler...... seriously. Nobody questions what a 6ft 10 jacked black dude does for a living when he walks in to a room. One look at the legs on a speed skater and it’s pretty clear they aren’t working the grill at TGI Fridays on Saturday mornings. There’s no way anyone is mistaking Shaun White for anything but a snowboarder or the dude living in the closet from ‘Dude Where’s My Car.’ Your 47 year old Financial Analyst neighbour could be an Olympic Curler. Bubba, the drunk dude from University? Has a great deal of Olympic Curler potential.
Invests your money by day.....Draws to the button by night!

This guy has Olympic Curling Scouts Drooling!


2.Not only is drinking acceptable in the curling world, it’s encouraged. In fact, if you don’t meet your opponents for beers after the match, it’s considered rude. The USA skip is a bartender, the skip of the 2nd best team in Canada manages a Beer Store. How has their not been a television show devoted to the secret lives of curlers? Men and women teams meet up in the bar after their match....the beer starts flowing like water, and BAM...next thing you know the Norwegian men’s skip and his snazzy pants (http://news.asiaone.com/a1media/news/01Jan07/images/norwegian.jpg) are goin’ home with the female lead from England.

3.The potential of being accused by your wife of watching porn. Next time a female Curling match is on, turn the volume up, go into a different room and try not to get aroused. Women screaming “HARD!” “HURRY!” and “GET OFF” repeatedly is everyday stuff in curling (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CM5mFH3_Qhs).
Now as a 25yr old dude living in a long distance relationship I clearly have seen my fair share of pornography, yet have not seen a porn video centered around a Curling situation, how has this not happened? That relationship is a bigger home run then Tiger Woods being a spokesman for Las Vegas Tourism!

4.The Women........Oh the Women. Curling was always thought of as a sport for non-athletes, not exactly the popular crowd, yet somehow at the 2008 “Smokin Hot Women of the World” Conference, these women decided to become Curlers. Also, there are great benefits to being attracted to a female curler. You don’t have to wonder if she’s a screamer before you get her into the sack......clearly she is. Watch the way they slide out of that hack, very flexible and athletic, always desirable in a partner. If your hooking up with a skip, you know she’s a woman who likes to be in charge....never bad to get bossed around in the bedroom, kinda sexy. She’s clearly adept with a broom....the house will always be clean. And of course, being a curler, she isn’t afraid to get into the booze. So basically you have a girl who likes to get drunk, be in charge in the bedroom, is a screamer, is flexible and athletic, and keeps a clean floor. Gee that sounds just awful!

In case you are having a hard time believing me regarding the sexiness of female curlers....







5.Mixed curling! Yes it’s not an Olympic event....not yet at least, but in Canada this is pretty big already. The unintentional sexual awkwardness level is at an all-time high as a female curler is yelling “HARD!” “REAL HARD!” at a man who is furiously sweeping the ice as the rock is sliding. Also how do you think the dude feels as he is obeying every command this women is yelling at him. Flip it around, wouldn’t it be great to have a 1950’s flashback moment as a man throws the rock and is yelling at the woman to sweep? Why does the television coverage have to stop at the end of the game? Keep the cameras rolling as the teams get into the booze. Listen to a drunken male skip make awkward sexual advances towards the female members of the other team, while the other dudes snicker like they are in the hall way in high school.

6.The 5th member of the team. This is the best gig at the Olympics without question. Talk to anyone who has been in Vancouver the past two weeks, it’s the biggest party in the world. Nobody is getting hurt while curling at the Olympics. I’ve watched curling casually for years and I’ve never seen anyone fall on the ice or trip on the rocks. There is practically no reason the 5th person will ever play. To put this in perspective, the 5th member of the Canadian Women’s team is 5 months pregnant. Yes you read that correctly, she is 5 months pregnant. People train for being a Curling alternate from a young age. The training usually begins with being the last pick for playground football at recess in elementary school and lasts right up to being the photographer for your own Family Reunion photos. Somehow they get medals if they win as well. Yup we live in a world where the head coach of the Canadian Olympic team will not receive a medal if Canada wins gold, yet the 5th member of the Canadian curling team will!

7.The celebrations following a huge shot or a huge win. Nobody athletic decides at a young age they are going to be a curler. So the majority of people curling are not overly athletic. And for any curler out there who is arguing “You Try it and see how hard it is”, I have tried it, and after 2 hours I had the push off the hack perfected, it’s not that hard. Sliding the rock with the proper weight and curl is very difficult, but that doesn’t take athleticism. So group together 4 or 5 non-athletic people and watch them celebrate wildly. It makes Tiger Woods and Stevie Williams high fives look smooth, and that is damn near impossible.

8.The list of people who have attended curling at the 2010 Olympics include Wayne Gretzky, Carl Lewis and Vernon Davis. Huh? Everyone thinks it’s weird that Stephen Colbert is the honorary Captain of the USA speed skating team, well how about Vernon Davis being the honorary captain of the USA curling team. Also during Curling matches, things like this happen......... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sDn28RwwfhQ

9.Anytime the history of your sport involves clearly superior athletes such as these, there’s no way it’s not awesome.

Canada vs USA (Pronger's Finest Hour!!!)

First Period

So, I’m posting up in my hotel room in Regina for the game.....get back from dinner right on time....head down the hall to grab some ice and when I come back its 1-0 USA.....I don’t want to say I was pissed, but Ice Cubes have never been thrown harder against a wall.

Immediate text message from my boy Favs following the goal on why we are losing “Because we don’t have Mike Fisher’s on our team...too many first liners.” I think we should have included Fisher simply to see 19000 Drunk Canadians boo the hell out of Carrie Underwood, the sweetest girl in the world, at Canada Hockey Place.
We have the ‘pleasure’ of listening to Gord Miller and Pierre McGuire for the game.......I know CBC doesn’t have the Olympic rights, but Bob Cole and Ron McLean not being involved in this hockey is a travesty.....and I really miss Grapes causing three international incidents a night through comments about Europeans. By the way unlike most of you I’m a huge Pierre fan....he amuses me like no other broadcaster.....Gord Miller seems like a good guy....I just want to smack myself in the head til I lose hearing every time he’s broadcasting.

Through 8 minutes of the game USA goalie Ryan Miller is worrying me.....He’s like the really good looking dude at the bar that just posts up at the beer tub....crushes beer all night and then come last call takes the hottest broad in the bar home. It doesn’t matter how many drinks ugly dudes are buying, he’s getting her at the end of the night. It doesn’t matter how many shots Canada fires Miller’s way, he’s stopping them.....what an asshole, I hate that guy!

Through our first Power Play, my analysis would say it’s looking very Toronto Maple Leafish....ewww.

Gord Miller proceeds to call Marty Brodeur, Luongo twice.....guess we know how Gord felt about the goaltending choice of the night.

Eric Staal scores to tie it on a filthy tip leading to Pierre McGuire scoring 8 out of 10 on the Orgasm Meter, as he compliments “Eric Staal’s active stick!” For those playing the Pierre McGuire drinking game.....bottoms up!

Brodeur does his best Rob Ducey and bats a dump-in by the USA out of the air towards the blue line.....this leads to the crowd oohing and awing about his hand eye coordination for 1.45 seconds. Then we realize it went right to Brian Rafalski who scores a Timbit Hockey worthy goal, slow wrist shot right along the ice....yup Brian Rafalski has 2 goals. Anyone taking the 200000000/1 odds of Brian Rafalski scoring 2goals in the first period is now celebrating wildly.

After 15 minutes of the first period I’ve decided I don’t like Chris Pronger. I don’t like his hair, I don’t like his long tongues that protect his skate, I don’t like his 22% pass completion percentage, I don’t like his 98% turnover percentage in our zone, I don’t like his boner for Edmonton media members, and I don’t like his inclusion on team Canada........Chris Pronger rant #1 is over.

13-5 for Canada in shots on goal, 2-1 for USA on the scoreboard....eff you Miller

BILODEAU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!......Our newest golden boy, Alex the great is interviewed by Gene Principe, just one Canadian legend talking to another! (Really guys, like 20 million Canadians watching this game and the best interviewer we can get is Gene Principe?...Where the hell is Cybulski!!!!!!!!)

I love how Pierre McGuire acts like an investigative 60 minutes journalist breaking the biggest news story of the year every time there’s almost a ‘too many men on the ice’ penalty. We get it Pierre, you’re close to the action.

I’ve decided Pronger bet on the USA this game and bet big.......only logical explanation for this display.


2nd Period

Miller opens the period by robbing Getzlaf.....Yup there’s that asshole sitting by the bar while we are buying the girl drinks!

Does Marc Andre Fleury have the best gig at the Olympics or what? Other then the alternate on the Men’s Curling Team (Not a high chance of a Curling injury knocking one of the starting 4 out), he’s got the best thing going.

Heatley stuffs in a rebound after some great work by Toews and Morrow down low......If you are ever bored and want to see something ridiculous, search Heatley’s team Canada and NHL stats for his whole career.....umm he’s good.

Pierre blasts in with a great “WHAT A PLAY!” Gotta be a goal right? Nope. A ridiculous save? Nope. Huge hit? Nope. Just your basic puck breakout from behind your own net by Drew Doughty. I don’t care what they say, don’t you ever change Pierre. Ooooh but Pierre isn’t done! “Very few civilized human beings can do that......that’s just a fantastic play and to not injure yourself is phenomenal” This gem was used to describe Crosby attempting to toe the blue line to stay onside....Do you think Pierre loves his children as much as he loves Sid?

Game is beginning to get a back and forth flow with no whistles, Olympic hockey at its finest. Brodeur robs the USA on three straight shots.....Gord seems to be doing okay on the name now that Marty is stopping the rubber.

3 Canadians hammer into each other and fall.....just doing their best Canadian Men’s Alpine Team impersonation. (What? Too Soon?)

A mad scramble around the Canadian net ensues, in which it took Brodeur longer then my handicapped 89yr old uncle Reggie to get off his ass resulting in a US goal.....on a side note though Marty was down so long he made one helluva snow angel.

End to end action leads to 3 breakaways and partial breakaways in a row.....Pierre’s orgasm level during that exchange reaches about a 7 outta 10

Staal takes a penalty behind the USA net.

I know he’s got a great history with the puck but saying Marty Brodeur is one of the best stick handling goalies of all time right now is like saying Jason Alexander has had a successful career after Seinfeld and Kramer is a hit with the black community.

3rd Period

USA opens the period with just over a minute left on the PP, but an uneventful minute brings Canada back to even strength.....for approximately 16 seconds when Crosby takes a high-sticking penalty in front of the USA net......Great discipline fellas!

Gene Principe delivers more stirring on camera analysis from his chat with Ken Hitchcock during the intermission, followed by a nice shot of Ken on camera. How is Ken coping with the depression of being recently fired by Columbus? With food....a lot of food....Dude is Huge!

Back to the action, the USA comes inches away from scoring the 4th goal.....but Canada holds strong and kills off the penalty.....for roughly 10 seconds and then takes another penalty.....somewhere Wade Belak is watching the game and pissed he didn’t make the team for his PIM totals.

USA snipes a 4th goal on a Rafalski shot from the point....apparently it’s tipped by Langenbrunger. It’d better have been tipped by someone because I’m going to puke if Brian Rafalski scores a hat trick.

Quick question- Where the hell is Jordan Eberle when you need him?

Finally the ref decides there should probably be 1 penalty called to maintain the 15/1 ratio of penalties being called in favour of the USA as Canada gets a power play.

Canada’s power play right now is looking as successful as a Marriage Counselling course run by Tiger Woods. Why is Pronger on our power play? We have Duncan Keith, Shea Weber, Drew Doughty, Dan Boyle and Scott Niedermayer to throw out there before Pronger yet he makes the cut? Shockingly with Pronger calling the shots from the point our power play is shooting blanks and the USA kills it off.

Thankfully the Americans are great guys and decide to take another penalty to help us out.....can somebody at the game please belt Pronger’s ass to the bench? Ask not what your country can do for you but what YOU can do for your country!

My requests are granted as Pronger sits this power play out and Crosby scores on a nifty little pass in front by Nash, and we are within 1!

Again I ask....where the hell is Jordan Eberle??????

Please excuse the lack of analysis on the last 3 minutes of the game but I’m standing watching the game nervous as hell!

Well you know what happened.....Canada put on a ridiculous amount of pressure forcing Miller to make save after save.......until with 47 seconds left, Parise chips it off the boards and despite the fact Corey Perry had a 5 stride lead on Ryan Kesler, Kesler dives and beats him to the puck and scores possibly the greatest empty net goal in hockey history, at least that’s what The TSN crew said. While it was a great goal, I personally think the effort put forth by Corey Perry was about the same I used to skate with during elementary school public skating ventures.

So we lost......we now have to play Germany and then Russia in the quarter-finals. I know it didn’t work out like we planned, but we were gonna have to play Russia at some point so why not in the quarters? We dominated the game, we just need less baseball from Marty Brodeur, Less ice time for Chris Pronger, more orgasmic commentary from Pierre McGuire and Jordan Eberle to suit up. Regardless, it was great to see the crowd, let’s keep it up and support the boys....GO CANADA GO!

Intramural All-Stars vs Intramural Participants

That's Brock....He won intramural wrestling four years in a row.


What is an Intramural All-Star? Basically anyone who goes to University competes in Intramural Sports at some point in their career. With that many people participating in Intramural Sports, how does one become an All-Star? There are very few people who can appropriately call themselves Intramural All-Stars, and here’s the difference between participation......and DOMINATION!

If you have a team name that took more than 30 seconds to create, you are not an Intramural All-Star. See while your fat ass is thinking of a name that people will chuckle at, we’re in the gym doing plyometrics.....crushing out that last set of 65lb curls.....doing a 14 minute wall sit. Intramural Participants work hard to have a funny name they will laugh at. We don’t find team names funny, Intramural All-Stars find it funny when we smash volleyballs off people’s faces, lay an open field spear in ‘flag’ football, rub someone out on the boards in non-contact hockey, we find that shit hilarious!

If you have ever worn pants to play intramural sports not in an arena, you are not an Intramural All-star. We don’t care if it’s 30 degrees below zero for the flag football finals, we wear shorts. We are athletes....Athletes wear shorts. Put on long socks and work harder. Some people say an extra layer of clothing is the key to staying warm, Intramural All-Stars say being up 35-0 at halftime is the best winter coat possible.

If you don’t listen to at least a 30 minute playlist of pump up music before an Intramural Event, you are not an Intramural All-Star. Intertube Water polo? There’s a playlist for that. Co-ed Broomball? There’s a playlist for that. Extra points if you make everyone on your block aware that you’re getting jacked for Co-ed Slo-pitch by turning your playlist on turbo ultra supersonic volume level.

If you don’t put your Intramural Teams record in your msn name, you are not an Intramural All-Star. Intramural Participants want people to know they are swamped with homework or are watching the Bachelor in their msn names. Intramural All-Stars let people know we are 37-0 over four Intramural Sports 6 weeks into the season.

If you don’t bring a bat that cost at least $300 to co-ed Sunday morning slo-pitch, you are not an Intramural All-Star team. Don’t even get us started on people who show up without cleats either. There’s also nothing wrong with hitting straight up the middle on a female pitcher in slo-pitch when you’re winning 21-0 in the third inning. Intramural All-Stars don’t feel good about being nice people, we feel good about cashing the runner in from 2nd base. It’s also extremely appropriate to line-up at home plate for your teams 8th homerun of the inning.

If you have never given your teammate the silent treatment following an intramural loss for at least three hours, you are not an Intramural All-Star. Listen, Friends don’t shank bumps on an easy float serve in volleyball or miss tackles in ‘flag’ football. Friends don’t show up 15 minutes late for regular season intramural indoor soccer. Friends don’t wear a black shirt when clearly the facebook message sent out three days prior said wear red. Friends may come and go, but Intramural t-shirts and glory last forever.

If you have never added someone on facebook just to invite them on your intramural team, you are not an Intramural All-Star. Most people get a group of friends together to pick their intramural team. Intramural All-Stars recruit harder then Urban Meyer at Florida. Participants play co-ed indoor soccer with the hot girl from biology and her housemates, Intramural All-Stars approach the butch German Exchange student who wears a Bayern Munich shirt to school every third day.

If you say sorry after hitting a girl in co-ed intramural sports, you are not an Intramural All-Star. We don’t see male or female when we play co-ed sports....we see a target....and they must be eliminated. When we break a girl’s nose in intramural dodge ball they should be thanking us, not getting mad. We simply sent a message to that participant that perhaps knitting or scrapbooking is more suited to their athletic ability. It is not our fault that we have do offseason 3 a day shoulder workouts to turn our arms into lethal weapons. You saw the cannon during warm-ups.....the option to forfeit was always on the table.

If you have never bled during an intramural event, you are not an Intramural All-Star. We don’t care if it’s the third game of self-refereed indoor co-ed ultimate Frisbee, we will dive into bleachers and walls to attempt a catch. It’s been scientifically proven that chicks dig scars, but you know what else they dig? Bedroom walls with intramural championship t-shirts hanging up.

If you have never grown a playoff beard for Intramural Playoffs, you are not an Intramural All-Star. We don’t care that we are meeting the girlfriend’s parents at dinner that night, until we lose or the championship t-shirt is in our hands, our pubic hair patchy beards will stay.

If your team has homemade t-shirts with your nicknames on the back, you are not an Intramural All-Star. Acceptable attire for Intramurals include professionally made screen printed jerseys or Matching Intramural Championship t-shirts from previous sports. What’s that? Your team doesn’t have enough previous championship t-shirts to wear? Maybe if you spent more time offseason training instead of making t-shirts that wouldn’t be an issue.

If you have never gotten a job working for Intramurals simply to ensure the best schedule, best court locations and early scouting on opposing teams, you are not an Intramural All-Star. There’s very little money in working for Intramurals, So why do all the All-Stars get jobs working there you ask? How many 2am hockey games do you guys have to play? We don’t ever play at that time slot. Wonder why your schedule has you playing the top five teams in the league while ours has us playing the bottom five? We don’t. Wonder why we never have players miss games due to missing student cards but you always do? Connections baby.

If you have ever said “Calm down, it’s just intramurals” to an opponent, you are not an Intramural All-Star. Yah it’s just intramurals....and World War II was just a war.....and Hayden Panettiere (http://cdn-www.cracked.com/articleimages/ob/hayden-panettiere_3868.jpg) is just a girl. It’s not just intramurals, it’s survival of the fittest, the strong will survive. Basically it proves who is more awesome at life. And judging by the drawer full of championship t-shirts we own, We just kicked your ass.

Super Bowl Thoughts

So the Super Bowl was sweet, two years in a row we got treated to a solid overall game. To the much tortured fan base of the New Orleans Saints, you deserve it for sticking through the thick and thin. One of the best parts about having a team in the Super Bowl that has been a loser their entire existence is when they do finally make the Super Bowl, the fans pull out their old jerseys of that team. It’s always a great day when a faded gold Aaron Brooks jersey makes an appearance, good times! So since everyone watched the Super Bowl, there’s not much need to go over it frame by frame....instead here are my thoughts from the big game.

Why did Boomer Esiason have a football with him the entire pre-game show? Every segment there’s Boomer fondling the ball in a different fashion. Why was this occurring? Bus Drivers don’t carry around a steering wheel all the time, Teacher’s don’t carry around blackboard chalk all day. I guess Boomer still thinks he can play, and is showing the teams out there his ball skills.....I don’t care how old he is, he’s still gotta be a better option for the Raiders than Jamarcus Russell.

Jim Nantz bothers me on his best days, but I’ve noticed a disturbing trend over the years....Jim can’t keep his hands to himself. Whenever Jim is on camera, there he is with his back arm clutching his partner like he’s an orderly leading an old dude to dinner in the home. You can tell by the look on Phil Simms face that he was not pleased with all the man love going on.

New Orleans had the people’s vote because of the recovery from the Hurricane, but I was just thrilled to have them in the game. There are many reasons for this,

1.We didn’t have to endure a Brett Farve slurpfest of epic proportions from Jim Nantz

2.As mentioned we got to witness an extraordinary amount of Aaron Brooks jerseys

3.Drew Brees’ wife.....she’s brings elegant sexy mid 30 year old woman style back

4.Jeremy Shockey showing up in a suit, kinda like he used to be successful but then
committed an atrocious crime, he was taken straight to jail in one of his classy business suits, While in jail he decides he’s wrongfully accused and in rebellion refuses to shower, shave or cut his hair. Five years later he’s released in the suit he was wearing when he went to jail and instead of changing went straight to the Super Bowl.

5.The greatest part of the Saints being in the Super Bowl, and perhaps why they have been the most entertaining team in the Super Bowl in ten years........
WHO DAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yes that’s right, this whole Who Dat nonsense has become must see TV. In the span of 6 hours we had five members of the Whitest Dudes Alive All-Star team saying the phrase “Who Dat” over 50 times. Yes I’m talking about you Dan Marino, Bill Cowher, Boomer Esiason, Phil Simms and Jim Nantz. Every time I heard one of these pale-skinned gentleman utter the term “Who Dat” I felt like I was watching a skit from the Chapelle Show. The unintentional comedy scale was blown away by this. Watching Shannon Sharpe’s reaction anytime one of these guys said “Who Dat” was priceless. How funny is it when Dan Marino talks about what it’s gunna take to win a Super Bowl? The closest Dan got to a Super Bowl was botching Ray Finkle’s kick!

6.Sean Payton pretending he was playing Madden 2010 and doing an onside kick to start the 2nd half. The name of the Colt who fumbled the catch on the kick was.....Hank BASKETT! That’s like a girl being named Suzy Skank and then being a virgin, oh the Irony!!!!

7.Drew Brees delivering a giant metaphorical middle finger to the people of Miami. Let’s break it down now from a Dolphins fan’s point of view. 2005 you hire Nick Saban as coach, following that year you sign Daunte Culpepper instead of Drew Brees because of concerns over his shoulder. Saban quits and goes to coach Alabama where he wins a national title in January 2010. Brees signs with the Saints instead and is Super Bowl champ and MVP in February 2010....In Miami....in the Dolphins stadium.....While Dolphin fans are trying to convince themselves Chad Henne is the future.....Barf!

8.Lance Moore ensuring for the third year in a row we would have a ridiculous catch at a crucial point by someone who would either become a superstar (Santonio Holmes) or never catch another pass again (David Tyree). Let’s see how Lance ends up.

Other thoughts from the game,

The Saints winning unfortunately robbed the world of what we were truly tuning in for.......the Gatorade dump on Jim Caldwell to see if he actually was alive. Caldwell has kept the same face the entire season.......it’s actually remarkable. When Indy lost the onside kick, Caldwell had the same facial expression as when Joseph Addai scored a touchdown. Peyton`s touchdown pass was met with the same reaction as his game breaking interception from Caldwell. Of all the times to have a streaker at a major sporting event, this was it! See if Jimmy is alive in there!!
Phil Simms doing one of the great U-turns in broadcasting history,

Phil Simms before Manning interception....”we saw what peyton did to the jets when they blitzed....if I were the saints I would use the extra man in coverage.” Phil Simms after the Manning interception “I know I said they shouldn’t blitz but the Saints made the right move.”

The only kingdom Queen Latifah should be royalty in is the Kingdom of Atrocious life performances. America the Beautiful was anything but. Now if you want to talk beauty, Carrie Underwood (soon to be Fisher....point for Canada) was on fire.....singing and looking.

Saints deserve the victory, they were the better team....and footage of a massive party on Bourbon street looked a lot cooler then a bunch of dudes in Colts gear shovelling their driveways would have.

The Trade

Dion Phaneuf......Jean-Sebastien Giguere.....Fredrik Sjostrom. Okay Sjostrom didn’t give anyone a massive erection, but the first two names actually produced a “Holy Shit” moment, the first the Leafs have had in a really long time. I read the headline regarding the trade and immediately did my best schoolgirl shrieking impression. I was in the Regina Airport when the headline came across and if people didn’t actually see me they would have thought a 14 year old girl reading Tiger Beat magazine had just opened the Justin Bieber pinup. ( And yes I realize I just broke rule #431 about writing a sports column....no 15yr old male pop star references....but dammit I was excited!)

So quickly let’s run down the personnel being exchanged in the two deals. Toronto sends Matt Stajan, Niklas Hagman, Ian White and Jamal Mayers to Calgary for DION PHANEUF, Fredrik Sjostrom and Keith Aullie. Now Dion gets capital letters because he’s really really good, the rest are average to below average NHL players, and Aullie is a prospect. Did Burke get this deal done like at 11pm on the night of a Sutter Family reunion when the entire family is drunk off moonshine? How did Sutter agree to this trade? Phaneuf is 24 years old and is the best goal scoring defenceman in the last five years in the NHL. All we gave up was a 4th defenceman(White), a 3rd line center moonlighting as a first line center(Stajan), and one of the most inconsistent Leafs in recent memory (Hagman). You may have noticed I didn’t mention Mayers. Well Mayers most notable contribution as a Leaf was becoming the first person in NHL history who plays less than 2 minutes a game to demand a trade, so I don’t really count him.

The other deal is J.S. Giguere heading to the Leafs from Anaheim for Jason Blake and Vesa Toskala. During Burke’s time in Anaheim he must have acquired nude photos or a sex tape of Ducks owners Henry and Susan Samueli while he was there. Then on the weekend he must have said “Accept this trade or I release the nudity to the internet.” This is the only logical explanation as to why the Ducks would take on the ridiculous contracts of Jason Blake and Vesa Toskala. I would have bet that I developed a third testicle before someone said yes to trading for Jason Blake’s contract.

So obviously Leafs nation was abuzz with excitement for the new boys debut Tuesday night vs the Devils. Giguere and Phanuef both getting the start, and they did not disappoint. By the way, proline gambling rule #47, After a massive trade always bet the team who got the better end of the deal, and bet them big. I would have bet my university tuition on the Leafs winning Tuesday night. It’s amazing what a huge trade will do to a fan base. Since the Leafs dealt three forwards away, their 4 centers for the night were Tyler Bozak, Christian Hanson, Rickard Wallin and John Mitchell. I’ve seen a better line-up of centers at the Brock Intramural B division men’s hockey games, but nobody cares because WE GOT DION!!!!!! And Dion doesn’t disappoint, within the first 7 minutes Dion has 2 massive hits and fight. Well done young lad, that’s how you win the crowd. Actual text from by buddy Marky following the Phaneuf fight, “ First time I have had the hair stick up on my neck in a long time.” I admit my heart was racing following Dion winning the fight. I felt like I was watching Gladiator after Russell Crowe slaughters everyone and then turns to the crowd and they go crazy for him. I was just waiting for Dion to yell out to the crowd “Are you entertained? Anyway Giguere gets a shutout, Sjostrom gets an assist, Phaneuf gets the crowd and the Leafs win 3-0.

The first game of the new Leafs era ends in great success. Burke now must go about upgrading his forward line to match the stud defence we have compiled. Whether he is able to do this remains to be seen, but this is the man who somehow got a buyer for Jason Blake and Vesa Toskala, so I trust in the big fella! And whether it works or not, at least we have Elisha Cuthbert :)

Reasons to still Support Toronto Sports Teams

Let's face it, Toronto sports fans aren't exactly living the dream life right now. To put it mildly, all our teams SUCK. The Raptors are the only hope we have bordering around the .500 level. So to those questioning their allegiance to the Toronto sports teams, here are some reasons why you should keep up your support!

1. The Toronto Blue Jays Pitching Staff

We lost Roy Halladay, the best pitcher in the world right now, yet somehow the Blue Jays pitching staff is something to get excited about? Before you start yelling Dane you’re an idiot and think I’ve been into the rum and coke again, hear me out. I’m not excited about the pitching staff for talent, but the current Jays pitching staff can be summed up in 2 words....Unintentional Comedy. Jesse Litsch, Dustin McGowan, Shaun Marcum, Kyle Drabek all have had Tommy John surgery or major reconstructive arm surgery in the last 3 years. That has to be some sort of record. The Blue Jays should be forced to hold a roster spot for Tommy John. He’s more important to the franchise then half our players are right now. The state of the Blue Jays pitching health could bring forth an interesting gambling game. Get your buddies together and start a pool as to which of these pitchers will be going on the DL first with arm related injuries! Think of how dramatic games will get as Marcum works late into the 5th inning and looks to have lost his zip on the fastball. Will tomorrows headline show a DL trip? Edge of your seat excitement!!! Filling out the Jays pitching staff we have Dirk Hayhurst, who with a name like that should probably be nailing Briana Banks right now. Brian Tallet, who I am convinced is actually Will Ferrell doing research for an upcoming movie on a journeyman baseball bullpen pitcher. As Scary Movie stated, movies have the token black guy. The Blue Jays feel the need to have a token Canadian. A Player born in Canada who really isn’t a big league talent but because he’s Canadian the Blue Jays sign him. Examples include Rob Butler, Rob Ducey, Rich Butler, and Simon Pond. The current edition is Scott Richmond, who with a career 5.27 ERA is playing the role perfectly. Let’s not forget Mark Ziphf...uhh Rzepthy....umm Rzifha....Rzepczynski, the dude who has a name only his mother can spell. He looks exactly like the pitcher on my slo-pitch team.....only my pitcher can probably hit 80 on the gun. Then we have Vincent Vega from Pulp Fiction....I mean Scott Downs, and my favourite Jesse Carlson. He may not be able to get guys out but if a freestyle battle broke out in the locker room I bet you Carlson would kill it! Ladies and Gentleman your 2010 Blue Jays pitchers!

2. Phil kessel

Yes I know we gave up our next 43 first round draft picks to get him, but dammit he will be good! Kessel is a top line goal scorer in the NHL, which the Leafs needed desperately. Watch any Leafs game and he is a game breaker, Leaf fans get a semi boner every time he gets a head of steam with the puck. We must be patient though and not jump all over this guy for lack of production. The two centers he has played with are Matt Stajan and Tyler Bozak. No offence to Stajan, he’s a great 2nd or 3rd line center, and Bozak will be a good player, but you don’t buy a Porsche and then put cheap gas in it. Kessel needs a top line assist man to make sweet music together. We have a better chance of seeing Brian Burke with his tie fully tightened then we do of seeing the Leafs in the playoffs with their current forwards. At the top of Burkie’s offseason agenda is getting Kessel talent to work with, let’s hope it happens.

3. The Toronto FC Experience

So you get two Toronto FC tickets and you want to take a friend who isn’t really into soccer. Here is the appropriate way to get this person to attend the game.
Person A- “Hey man I’m headin to this party down by the Lakeshore Saturday afternoon, you wanna come?
Person B- “Whose goin?”
Person A- “It’s gunna be huge man, like 20 000 people are gunna be there, we will have a few drinks, dance with some babes and make some new friends, you down?
Person B- “ Gee that sounds horrible, Of course I’m down”
See that’s all you need to get someone to a Toronto FC game. You don’t even need to mention the fact you will be at a soccer game. To diehard fans of soccer like myself then the game is great, but you can hate soccer and have an amazing time at a Toronto FC game, this I promise you. If you like drinking copious amounts of Beer, jumping around like an idiot and meeting new people then this is the place for you. No other sporting event in Toronto is like this. Soccer is almost secondary at any Toronto FC game. I challenge you to attend a game and not have a fantastic time, especially if you like European women

4. Having your choice of seat at the Rogers center

See the beauty of supporting a rebuilding baseball team isn’t that you can see young players develop or watch something be built, its seat selection! The Rogers Center seats 52 000, and you can bet that any game not including the Red Sox, Yankees, or Doc Halladay’s one visit home will bring in roughly 10 000 fans. Why not head down to the park with the family, drop 30 bucks for 4 seats in the 500 level and then by the 3rd inning head on down to the 100 level for a great view. Blue Jays baseball....Affordable Family Entertainment! (provided they are playing a good team, because the stench from the Jays dugout may not be all that entertaining)

5. Brian Burke’s vocabulary

What words that nobody has ever heard of will he come out with before next season? Last season we had the fantastic “We require, as a team, proper levels of pugnacity, testosterone, truculence and belligerence. That’s how our teams play.” If Pugnacity means unable to hold a 3 goal lead then I’d say we are right on the appropriate level. If truculence means falling behind 2-0 in almost every game we play, then we are passing that test with flying colours. As for testosterone levels, well we would have to ask the Leaf wives and girlfriends, but if the testosterone in the bedroom matches what we have seen on the ice, then Mrs. Orr and Mrs. Rosehill are probably happy women....the rest probably have Tiger Woods on speed dial.

6. Adam Lind and Aaron Hill

Remember in the early 90’s when Oakland had the Bash Brothers Mark McGwire and Jose Canseco. They used to smash homeruns by night and inject needles into ass cheeks by day. Well in the non steroid era of baseball , the bash brothers are going to resemble people you see every day in the line at Tim Hortons. Since coming back from his horriawful collision with David Eckstein (Side Note: What was David Eckstein’s deal? Not only did he screw the Jays over by playing to about 20 percent of his potential while he was here, but he took out our best player for a season? What did Toronto ever do to David Eckstein!) Hill had been a beast. He also plays great defence making him the best all around player the Jays have had since Hall of Famer Robbie Alomar. (What`s that? Alomar isn’t a hall of famer? Very funny, the guy is a 12 time All-Star and 10 time gold glover, of course he’s a hall of famer. What? You’re serious? Because he spit on some dude he’s not a hall of famer? Oh so he didn’t get into the Great Person hall of fame, but he’s in the baseball hall of fame right? He’s not? He’s actually not in the baseball hall of fame? WTF?) Hill is a clutch bat, great defender, doesn’t seem suicidal that he’s playing in Toronto, and doesn’t appear to be spitting on anyone anytime soon. Then there is Adam Lind. Did anyone hit more opposite field homeruns last year? Most dudes hit the ball off the end of the bat and it’s a foul ball. Lind hits Bombs off the end of his bat. He is the best DH in the American League, and he’s actually in shape. Which is kind of upsetting, I think it should be a rule that all DH’s have to be at least 40lbs overweight and lose to Bengie Molina in a 40 yard dash. Lind trains in the offseason in a barn in Indiana, now that sounds very Canadian of him. Can we get him to become a Canadian citizen so he can be our token Canadian. A token Canadian who actually produces....WOW!

7. Demar Derozen

When the Raptors drafted Derozen this past season, I was pretty turbo excited. As an avid College Hoops fan, I watched Derozen cram on the Pac-10 while at USC and couldn`t wait for him to join the Raptors. This is also because I was appalled at the money we gave Hedo Turkoglu, the ultimate YMCA pickup baller. (Seriously I think Hedo is confused and thinks he is playing pickup ball at the YMCA. He jacks stupid shots, doesn`t hit the boards, rarely gets back on defence, and if you watched the Bucks game recently was bent over out of breath the whole 2nd half....but he`s a hit with the Turkish community!!!) Anyway Derozen can fly, but more importantly he has an awful jump shot. My co-ed intramural team at Brock had 5 better shooters then Derozen. Some see this as a bad thing, but I love it. See that guy who used to dunk for the raptors (I refuse to say the former #15’s name) was awesome for 2 years, but then he learned how to shoot and that’s all he wanted to do. Let’s prohibit Derozen from working with any shooting coaches so he has no choice but to dunk on people. Atleast for five years, then we can work with him. Sounds like a sexy plan to me!

8. Buck Martinez

So Buck has become the television voice of the Blue Jays. Buck used to be the analyst for the Blue Jays when Jim Hughson and Dan Shulman did the Blue Jays play by play. Not only has the Blue Jays talent on the field hit the crapper, the last few years our broadcasting followed suit. Rance Mulliniks, Pat Tabler and Darrin Fletcher as our analysts and Jamie Campbell as our play by play announcer? Come on! Stevie Wonder could do a better job describing the action then Jamie Campbell. Who knows if Buck will be a good play by play announcer, but Buck is a smart man. He could suck and he would still be beloved by Jay fans because of who he is following. Jamie seems like a nice guy, the kind of guy your daughter marries and as a father your happy because you know he`s never going to cheat, but this wasn`t the job for him. It`s kind of like the bar when you`re going to talk to some women. You pick a decent looking girl and wait til a real d-bag goes and talks to this girl, after he gets rejected you make your move. Yeah you might not be the best lookin` dude in the bar, but compared to this guy your Brad Pitt.` So Buck whether you suck or not, Blue Jay nation says Thank You.

Ramblings (Jan 17, 2010)

Is it written in Bill Cowher’s contract that he has to be called Coach everytime someone mentions him on CBS? Not one person on the CBS network ever had Cowher as their coach. He hasn’t been an active NFL coach for 3 years now, why is he still called Coach? Why is Jim Nantz calling him coach? I doubt Jim Nantz played Pop Warner football. He probably wakes up with pulled muscles just from watching a football game.

So Arizona plays Green Bay and apparently during the opening coin toss the captains decide “!%^* it, let’s see who can score 60 points first.” Paris Hilton plays better defence on drunk dudes in the bar then was played in that game. 96 points later we finally have a winner and it’s on a defensive touchdown? WTF. Bet you Aaron Rodgers wish he tucked that ball on the last play like a 15 year old high school boy tucks his boner in the hallway when talking to his hot ass Spanish teacher.

So people say it’s a problem we have fighting in the NHL. Let’s review.....The NBA has players keeping guns in their lockers, Everyone in MLB put needles in their ass from 1995 to 2005, and the NFL has had 451 player arrests and major citations since 2000, but your right we better address this fighting issue ASAP.

Is it considered some sort of child sexual assault that over 6 million drunken Canadian men wanted to do some disturbing sexual things to 19 year old Jordan Eberle following his two goals in the last 2:30 to tie the World Jr finals. No...whew....I can breathe easy now.

Jose Calderon may be a solid offensive NBA player but he couldn’t guard a 12 year old girl in an elementary school basketball game. I also just don’t trust people with really skinny sideburns....

How many bachelor party invitations do you think Tiger Woods has gotten from random dudes since Thanksgiving?

Went out with Jonesy and the Predators in Edmonton Tuesday night and partying with NHL players is everything you would think it was......only better. Especially after your boy has his first 3 point night in the NHL.

How does Lane Kiffin continuously get coaching jobs? Apparently a losing record and being a moronic asshole is the kind of thing major university AD’s look for in a candidate.

So Letterman bangs his intern, while being in a 23 year relationship with the same woman, whom he has a kid with and Leno is the asshole? Yah it’s bullshit what’s going on with Conan and Leno, but Conan is going to Fox or is gunna sit at home and make 80 million bucks. Don’t cry for Conan folks, he’s getting PAID!

Call me an asshole but I think it would be hilarious to go to a leg of the Olympic Torch relay and spray the flame with a fire extinguisher as it goes by. Anyone with me?

Saw Up in the Air the other day......it’s another tasty dish served up by Chef Clooney. This prompted me to watch Oceans 11, 12 and 13 again. One night partying with Clooney, Pitt and Damon would probably be a top 5 night in any dudes life.

In closing I would just like to give some credit to Mark McGwire for coming out and admitting to steroid use. It takes a big man to admit something everyone has known for 5 years, especially after denying it numerous times. Well Done Mark. Stay tuned for next week when Pamela Anderson admits she got breast implants and Elton John admits he is homosexual.

The Gilbert Arenas Gun Story....What Really Happened

A big story in the news these days is the Gilbert Arenas firearms in the locker room situation. There’s a great difference in the reports from various news outlets on what actually happened. Well lucky for everyone I have received an eyewitness account from the Verizon Center locker room. Here is the exact story of how everything happened. I know it’s hard to believe but none of this is made up.

A dark, windy day in Washington D.C. Javaris “the kid” Crittenton, second year guard for the Washington Wizards, is negotiating his expensive tinted SUV through the back roads on his way to the Verizon Center for morning shoot around. Tumble weeds skip across the barren roadway, and in the distance a man can be heard whistling. A noise resembling a rattlesnake can be heard as Crittenton parks his car and enters the saloon, uh I mean Arena. Crittenton makes his way to the locker room where he sits and finds his nemesis, Gilbert “Zero” Arenas seated across the room. The tension could be cut with an extremely big machete.....which judging by the rest of the weapons readily available in the Wizards locker room wouldn’t shock anyone if it appeared....after all, there’s always been something fishy about Andray Blatche.

The kid strutted over Zero and stopped inches from his face.....

”Bout’ time you and me had a chat wouldn’t you say Zero?” jawed the Kid.

“I reckon it’s bout’ that time” responded Zero as he spit a wad of tobacco.

Kid- “We don’t much like folks who don’t pay gambling debts round these parts....what you gonna do about that Zero?”

Zero- “You best watch you be accusing people of kid, remember I’m the sheriff in this town.”

“Don’t you play dumb now Zero, you know you into me for $25 000, and you best be paying.” Said the Kid taking a threatening step towards Zero.

Zero- “Doesn’t ring a bell to me, but if you don’t step back, that money is gonna be the last thing you needs to be worryin bout’”

Kid- “So that’s how its gonna be eh Zero? After all we been thru together you gunna pull a stunt like this? Well I ain’t gunna stand for it.”

“HA, what you gunna do boy, you barely out of diapers, they trust you with a gun yet?” scoffed Zero.

“Meet me at my locker at high noon after shoot around and find out” said the Kid as he headed up the tunnel to the court for shoot around.

And with that, the Shootout at the Verizon Coral was set. High noon, following morning shoot around. Now folks round’ these parts know Agent Zero has never met a gun fight he didn’t like. The only thing quicker then Zero’s mouth was his release on the trigger. He’s even been known to yell the words “Hibachi!” following a victorious duel. As talented as Zero was with the trigger, it was long thought his mouth would eventually get him into a situation he couldn’t get out of. Was this the situation? Agent Zero couldn’t believe how the Kid had disrespected him, and he was out for blood.

Zero left practice 5 minutes early to set up the showdown. In an ultimate show of defiance, he placed all three of his Cougar Magnum Dirty Harry pistols on the bench in front of The Kid’s locker with the menacing words “Pick One.” Zero was waiting at The Kid’s locker when he returned and read the note. “I don’t need your Sally Ann pistols” said the Kid, “This here is what I carry.” On that note the Kid pulled out his sawed off double barrel shotgun.

“Let’s get to it, 10 steps aughta do it” said Zero spitting a wad of tobacco on the Kid’s Nike Air Saddle riders.

The clock struck high noon as the two men stood back to back in the middle of the Verizon Coral. The combatants took 9 steps each, and then......on the 10th step.....

“Bang.....Bang....Bang! Reach for the Sky!”

Zero and the Kid turned to find Sheriff Stern standing in the middle of the room, 2 pistols trained on both men, being accompanied by his weasel deputy Gary “Snake” Bettman. He hadn’t been seen round these parts since 93!

“What you think is goin on here hombres?” asked Sheriff Stern, guns trained on the two combatants chest. “You know my rule bout high noon duels in my jurisdiction.”

Stern- “Are you boys really that stupid that you want to test my rules? You seen what happened to Bad Boy Ron Ron when he went against my saying in that saloon brawl a few years back?” “Kid, Zero, y’all dumber then some hombre who would turn down over 250 million for a hockey team, uhh I mean cattle ranch, and then sell your team, I mean cattle stock for less than 130!” Deputy Snake slithered out of the room at this point.

“Now I’m gonna have to punish you folks......Deputy Blatche....keep your machete trained on these men.....and take em away!” grunted Sheriff Stern.

And as the sun set on the Verizon Coral that day, Javaris ‘the kid’ Crittenton and Gilbert ‘Zero’ Arenas were taken off into the sunset by Deputy Blatche....Sheriff Stern reigned supreme one last time in his county.

And that’s exactly how the story happened.

Winter Classic Report (Jan 1, 2010)

Winter Classic 2010
Boston vs Philadelphia
Fenway Park

The annual NHL Winter Classic hits Fenway Park

Pregame show features the Dropkick Murphys playing “Shipping Up to Boston” to a raucous crowd, Not one Murphy had a Bruins Jersey on, Huge disappointment as I would have bet my tuition on a Terry O’Reilly jersey making an appearance.

Bobby Clarke and Bobby Orr as the ceremonial captains, and we watch as they make the long walk from their respective change rooms, to the ice, remove their skate guards and skate to center for the hand shake. This included a good 30 seconds of struggling removing their skate guards. The older we get, the more we look like 6 year olds again. Then they stand by as the teams take the ice. This leads to an interesting scene. As the Bruins players run by on their way onto the ice, they all give Bobby Orr a high-five and he pats them on their ass. At the other bench, not one Flyer acknowledges Bobby Clarke as he stands there uninterested. This rivals Tiger Woods sending his wife a Christmas card on the awkward scale.

Claude Julien and Peter Laviolette are rocking the old style coats from the 60, Julien completing the ensemble with a fancy dapper cap! Looks smashing! How great would it be if this game was all played in old school hockey gear? No buckets, straight blade wooden sticks, cooper alls, booze in between periods and Bob Cole doing play by play, Where the hell is Bob Cole!!!!!

First Period

The game begins and like every Winter Classic so far, the action is as sloppy as Paris Hilton’s.....(I’ll let you finish that thought). All week we have been hearing how the ice is better than at least half the NHL rinks. Hmmm, I wonder how much the players were paid to say that, the puck is bouncing more than a hoops game at the Boston Garden.

Jim Hughson makes Baseball joke #7 of the day as a puck goes over the glass “a double to left field.” Bob Cole wouldn’t be making those lame jokes. He might forget or mispronounce 75% of the players names but he WILL NOT stoop to the level of lame baseball jokes! Again I ask Where the hell is Bob Cole!!!!!

The first period sucks.....seriously it’s probably the worst period of hockey I’ve watched this season. Something better happen or else the casual American viewer is going to tune into Jersey Shore or the Biggest Loser marathon.

FIGHT!!! And there we have it, the first fight in Winter Classic History. In the Black Corner we have Scott Thornton and in the White Corner we have Daniel Carcillo. It’s actually not a bad scrap and Carcillo scores the takedown with a big right hand. Fenway erupts and this instantly rates as the second best takedown the stadium has seen behind Pedro Martinez throwing a charging 73 year old Don Zimmer to the ground in the 2003 MLB Playoffs. Elder abuse....it’s real.....and it’s happening.

And Hughson ends the scoreless, lifeless first period with the comment, “Instead of a horn to end the period they should just have a lady yell Supper!” Not bad Jim, sure beats the lame baseball jokes we have been subject to thus far.

Thank God that period is finally over so we can listen to Donald S. Cherry in the Coaches Corner. Don is especially revved up having witnessed his boy Bobby Orr do the ceremonial faceoff. I love watching Don when he gets talking about Bobby. He gets as giddy as a 13 year old schoolgirl gushing over the new Tiger Beat Zac Efron photo shoot. Now while many of you may not be Cherry fans, I love the guy. He’s like the drunk Uncle at your holiday gatherings who gets a little too wound up. He’s also patriotic to the end which is awesome to any Canadian. In today’s episode Don relives his Boston glory days, in a time when Don was king of the city. He addresses the first period fight calling Carcillo “the jerk of all jerks” for saluting the crowd after his fight. Yah Donny, you get him! He also makes a brief comment regarding the World Junior Hockey Championship refereeing referring to Slovakia, Sweden, Russia and any other country over there being all the same and the refs are all horrible. Some would call this a politically incorrect ethnically insensitive comment. I call it just the right amount of Don Cherry being awesome.

Second Period

Second Period starts with a baaaaang, no not really, but the action does pick up with some end to end play, forcing Michael Leighton in to a few big saves. Excuse me, it just took me a while to realize that Michael Leighton in the Winter Classic wasn’t a typo.

Glenn Healy tells us how well the Flyer and Bruin fans are getting along, while sharing my favourite memory of last year’s Winter Classic, the classic “We’ve got the cup chant” by Red Wing fans, to which Blackhawk fans responded with the “We’ve got a job!” chant. Gotta give that round to the Chicagoans.

Philadelphia begins owning the play just as Hughson, Healy and Simpson make the expert analysis that “the game needs a goal.” That’s right fellas, just like Humans need oxygen, plants need water and Tiger Woods needs “How to leave effective messages on your mistresses voicemail” lessons. And yes I’m aware that’s two Tiger jokes in one column.

And just as the boys wanted, the game gets a goal! And it’s brought to you by the Tim Thomas School of Anger Management! Scottie Hartnell and his hair bump Thomas in his crease. The puck travels back to the point and Danny Syvret fires it past an incensed Thomas as he delivers a cross check to the back of Hartnell, totally ignoring the puck. To top it all off, that’s Syvret’s first goal of his NHL career, despite the fact Hughson and Simpson spend the rest of the game trying to give the goal to Jeff Carter.

The second period ends with the Flyers up 1-0. The three stars thus far would be Michael Leighton, Danny Syvret and Scott Hartnell, just as everyone predicted at the start of the game right?

The second intermission features another entry into the “Awkward Moments in Sports” Diary as Eliotte Friedman asks Jeff Carter how he feels about being left off the Team Canada Olympic roster. What? Too soon?

Third Period

Third period begins with Hughson mentioning Carter hasn’t been credited with the goal yet, but in an absolutely horrible Boston accent says “But we all know Caaarta got the goal.”

Philadelphia gets an early power play, Sturm shoots from half and hits the post through Leighton. Looking like Team Canada World Juniors on the power play, Boston killing the penalty gets more chances then Philly on the pp. Boston finally gets a power play, Philly, most penalized team in the league playing nice so far. An uneventful power play goes by without any great chances.

Shadows emerge on the ice, good thing we got the eye black! Hughson kills the crowd with his 328th baseball joke that the wind coming from center field will make a long ball hard today.

Great camera angle of Chara rounding the net with the green monster in the background.....monster on monster. Somewhere Pierre Mcguire just got a boner.

Great Boston tradition of Neil Diamond’s Sweet Caroline playing at the 7th inning stretch carries over to hockey as the song is played during a break at the 12 minute mark of the 3rd. Dennis Leary leading the singing of Sweet Caroline, yup I also wish he just sang “I’m an asshole” instead.

Healy makes a comment that the Flyers new found confidence has gone right to their legs?? Sounds like a teenage boy who just lost his virginity and is ready for round two!

Tukka Rask has a mask made for the game with a Bruin Bear chewing a Yankee jersey with Fenway Park behind it, and it got the loudest ovation of the day! This kind of kills the argument that Boston is a hockey town doesn’t it? The only way a Blue Jay featured helmet would get a cheer in the ACC is if it showed JP Ricciardi getting eaten.

Philly takes a penalty with 4 minutes left setting up an exciting finish....hopefully. After some always exciting passing around the perimeter, Mark Recchi, the 84 year old wonder tips a shot by Derek Morris in to tie the game and set up the finish we hoped for. Now all we need is snow for the finish.

Healy makes the obligatory,” I’m an ex goalie so whenever a goalie gets scored on I have to defend him”, comment about Leighton, “He had no chance on that one!” Why do Greg Millen and Glenn Healy do this after every goal? We aren’t judging your goaltending ability! Another question I have is how do mediocre NHL goaltenders continue to get all these broadcasting jobs? Glenn Healy, Greg Millen, Darren Pang, and Kevin Weekes all come to mind.

Philly almost takes the lead with 1:30 left as a puck trickles through Thomas who is folded like a pretzel, but ends up inches wide.

The last 2 minutes have been better then the first 58 of the game combined, as Boston’s pressure forces Briere to take a penalty with 43 seconds left.

Unable to score in the 43 seconds left in the third, we are going to OT where the Bruins will have a 4 on 3 for 1:15.

Overtime

How great is the penalty box? Who came up with the idea that we would isolate the penalized player for all to see? Watching Briere sit helplessly in the box and watching is hilarious. Hughson makes baseball joke number 389 on the day with an “Extra Innings at Fenway Park” comment!

Philly kills the penalty and on Briere’s way out of the box has a 2 on 1 which leads to a 30 second mad scramble in front of Thomas but he keeps the puck out.

Boston heads down the ice and Sturm tips a ridiculous pass from Bergeron at the side boards into the
net to send Fenway into a frenzy and give the Bruins the win. For the first time in the history of the Winter Classic the game goes to the home team!

While much of the game lacked the intensity and pace of a regular NHL game, there is something about the Winter Classic. The NHL has hit homeruns (@#$! Hughson’s baseball jokes are rubbing off on me) when selecting teams and venues and hopefully that can continue. The Leafs are at the top of teams hoping for an outdoor game. This would be great, however the ice surface isn’t the Leafs problem, it’s the people on the ice surface. So in closing, the Winter Classic was a crappy game but still a great spectacle, and most importantly....Go Leafs Go!!!

Ramblings (Dec 17, 2009)

I wonder how many times the Canadians goal judge prematurely flashed the goal light whenever the visiting team took a shot at Red light Racicot.

I walked by an SUV today in a driveway with 2 windows smashed out.....immediately I assumed the man driving had pulled a “Tiger” and got caught cheating on his wife.

Theres no way the old dude from 3rd Rock from the Sun is the same person who just played the Trinity killer on Dexter.....I don’t care how many times I see his name on the credits.

How many more ridiculous ‘dude in the blue jumpsuit’ Bud Light commercials are we going to have to put up with? ‘Don’t get me wrong....I love squid....they’re delicioussss!!!!’

If you take a cialis....you will get a boner....an uncontrollable boner.....trust me

The 49ers have the best uniforms in the league...along with the chargers powder blues and the Bills throwbacks

Why does everyone professional athlete go to Dr. James Andrews for surgery? What is he doing in his practice that no other doctor is doing? Like does he know special surgeries that nobody else does? I always envision him as some type of European supervillan from a Bond movie that holds the secret to world destruction and threatens the world with it. In this case Andrews knows the cure and won’t share with the rest of the medical world. Like do all surgeons just think he’s a huge asshole?

How did PJ Stock get his gig on Hockey Night in Canada? Like what relative does he know who is a big wig at CBC? Is he sleeping with a high executive at CBC? None of this makes sense to me. He’s a mediocre broadcaster who can’t get through 2 sentences without stuttering in a highlight package. He was a borderline NHL’er during his career. This doesn’t add up, I need answers Dammit!

Why do new dress shoes curl up like elf boots? And at what point did that become fashionable?

Why does the new Blue Jays G.M. sound like Corey Matthews from Boy Meets World? And also looks the same age? The press conference announcing the Halladay trade was priceless. He takes the mic and immediately begins to sound like a nervous 14 year old asking a girl to dance at his first semi formal. It’s like he realized this trade was horrible right now because nobody cares about prospects until they actually amount to something. And excuse me for having questions about a 22 year old who has already had Tommy John surgery.

Watched Forgetting Sarah Marshall......two things emerge. First Kristen Bell is hot......REALLY hot.....and really underrated. When people discuss Hollywood smoke shows her name never comes up? Why? Also I never thought I would find graphic male full frontal nudity hilarious, but I definitely did.

Is there some sort of rule that people over 6 foot 8 cannot be good looking? Go to NBA.com and look at any team’s roster, click on anyone picture whose listed height is over 6 foot 8 and check out the picture. View at your own discretion.

What does Michael Landsberg really look like? I mean with the amount of makeup he wears he could be literally anyone and we could be none the wiser. Is he really a 75 year old black woman? How about an 82 year old stumpy Italian immigrant? It remains a mystery

My Letter to Roy Halladay

Dear Roy,

It’s only been a day......24 hours since the news conference introducing you as the ace of the Philadelphia Phillies. The trade that ruined my Christmas is now complete. I understand why you wanted to leave Toronto, nobody can blame you. Nobody wants to play for a loser, a team that signs players like Alex Rios, Vernon Wells and BJ Ryan for a combined 242 million dollars. Let’s not talk about the past, it’s too painful. I just wanted to remember the good times you gave all us Blue Jay fans and how much we are going to miss you.

I’m going to miss your devastating cut fastball that you could locate with a surgeon’s precision. I’m going to miss that fact that start you made we all knew you were going to go 9 innings strong. Don’t underestimate the importance of your complete games. Whether you won or lost it meant us Jay fans didn’t have to endure the torture that is the relief pitching performance of Brian Wolfe, Brandon League and friends. That’s like eating Raisin Bran to relieve diarrhea.
I’m going to miss your perfectly trimmed beard that was the exact same length and shape every start since 1999. How you couldn’t cash that into a lucrative shaving product contract makes me question what your agent is being paid for.
I’m going to miss the reassuring fact that no matter how atrocious the Jays were, we could always count on having a legit all-star at the midsummer classic.
I’m going to miss the fact you dominated the league like no other Blue Jay pitcher ever, well like no other Blue Pitcher who didn’t inject needles into his ass.
I’m going to miss how you dominated the evil empire like nobody else in the game, in case you forgot here’s your stats versus the Yanks (223.1 IP, 16-5, 2.90 ERA, 1.12 WHIP).
I’m going to miss how all the Yankee fans made comments every time you dominated them like “Yah well he will look good in Yankee colours in 2 years”, only to go to the National League.
I’m going to miss your “girl next door” smoke show sexy wife Brandy. Her presence in the booth during Jay games made Jamie Campbell somewhat tolerable.
I’m going to miss baseball broadcasters league wide referring to the Jays as a dominant pitching staff despite the fact our starting rotation has included Brian Tallet, Miguel Batista, Vinnie Chulk, and Josh Towers during Halladay’s tenure here.
I’m going to miss all the ground balls you induced leading to numerous spectacular plays by Johnny MacDonald. These plays led to MacDonald becoming one of the most popular players on the team despite the fact he couldn’t hit .200 in beer league slo-pitch.
I’m going to miss your low-profile public life, where you honour morals such as not cheating on your wife, which apparently is too taxing on some professional athletes these days.
I'm going to miss the pissed off look you had on your face every time the manager pulled you from a game. It was refreshing to see compared to the usual “Save Me” face that stares into the dugout in the 3rd inning from every other Blue Jay pitcher.
I’m going to miss your quick delivery and pitching style which allowed Blue Jay games you pitched to be completed in less than 5 painful hours.
I’m going to miss the fact you were the only big Blue Jay who remembered how to play baseball after signing a large contract extension.
I’m going to miss how your second career start was one out away from being a no-hitter. Let’s see if Drabek can duplicate that feat, and make daddy a proud Cy Young winning papa.
I’m going to miss how your nickname ‘Doc’ fit your persona perfectly. You just seem like a bad motha out on the mound that mowed down batters like Doc Holliday mowed down wannabe Western bad asses in the Wild Wild West.
I’m going to miss Jamie Campbell pretending he was your boy and telling stories of how he would hang out with you on your non-starting days. This was followed by Jamie gushing like a schoolgirl over Zac Efron every time you pitched. Sadly Jamie didn’t make it into the post-Halladay Jays era. What up Buck!

So I’m going to miss you Roy for every reason possible in baseball. Now instead of knowing I would see an ace every five games, I have to become like every other Jay fan and talk myself into Ricky Romero and Shaun Marcum being franchise pitchers.....BARF!

All the best in Philly Roy, I look forward to watching you go 2-0 in the 2010 World Series.

Yours Truly,
Dane Belbeck