April Sports Review

And so my favourite sports month of the year has come and gone. Despite my obsession for NCAA and NFL football, I still rank April as the best month to be a sports fan in the year. There’s opening day for baseball, the NCAA basketball finals, the Masters, the NFL Draft, opening rounds for NHL and NBA playoffs, and the annual Ben Roethlisberger Sexual Assault case. Basically April is a write-off for me....which was never good the last 5 years of my life because some asshole decided that’s the appropriate time to schedule University finals, probably why I’m now a flight attendant and not anything in my field, but that’s a different story for a different day. Anyway, April was fantastic as usual, so let’s have a quick review at each of the major events.

Opening Day for Baseball- In a plethora of random sentences here is the first month of baseball season summed up. My Mets are battling for first. Roy Halladay is still really effing good in the National League. Big Papi should retire and play slo-pitch. I bought Jays season tickets and Vernon Wells is good again, Lyle Overbay still blows, John Buck (minus his 3 homer game) has all 12000 fans in the Rogers Centre using an F instead of a B on his last name on purpose and Jose Molina stops more people from getting to second base then a smoking hot pastors daughter at a keg party. Jimenez pitched a no-hitter but walked six batters, which led to a 15 minute explanation to my girlfriend about how it was really cool even though 6 people still made it on base. The Mets and Cardinals played a 20 inning game, with 19 of those innings being scoreless, that had two Cards third baseman pitching (with one being on a pitch count....you can’t make this stuff up), a pitcher playing left field and looking like a 45 year old fat dude playing beer league slo-pitch in board shorts and a backwards hat while tracking fly balls, and me never getting those 6 hours and 42 minutes of my life back. Somehow the Padres are in first place despite the fact 98% of America can only name one player on their team (Adrian Gonzalez), and Pittsburgh has reached a new level of awful ensuring that this scene from Hook is still the best baseball any Pirate has played since 1993.

NCAA Basketball Final- Just like everyone else in North America I also had Butler and Duke in the finals with Butler rimming out a half court shot at the buzzer to win, so this tournament wasn’t exciting in the slightest......or maybe the best ever. Other then the fact my Gators were the very first team eliminated in the damn tournament (gotta love that 12pm Thursday tip time) and Duke won the tournament, this was probably my favourite tournament in my 25 years on earth. I’m still having multiple Gusgasms from the Xavier-Kansas State finish. Favourite things about the tournament this year was Gus Johnson as usual, Northern Iowa, Michigan State, this Maryland fan’s reaction to losing on a buzzer beater my Michigan State , Michigan not being in the tournament, Kansas State coach Frank Martin (I fear he may have me whacked if I didn’t mention him), Cornell University proving smart dudes can ball, but Kentucky showing dumb dudes can ball better, and of course Syracuse coach Jim Boeheim’s wife Julie.

NHL Playoff Opening Round- It used to bother me the Leafs didn’t make the playoffs, but like watching porn with the odd close-up of a dudes face, you learn to adapt. The opening round of this year’s playoffs was fantastic. The opening round featured Craig Anderson becoming the best goalie in the history of the world for one night, only to be taken over by Jaroslav Halak. Someone finally found a role for Hal Gill, which led to the Habs shocking the Capitals. Sidney Crosby decided the Ottawa Senators were a minor bantam team at best and skated circles around them. The Los Angeles Kings and Vancouver Canucks battled back and forth and played hockey that was more wide open then Jenna Jameson’s legs. Detroit let the Winnipeg Jets feel good story get three more wins before they said, we’re the Detroit Effing Red Wings, and destroyed them in game 7. Nashville proved they can’t win a playoff series without Ryan Jones, suck it Trotz, and the Boston Bruins are sticking a giant middle finger towards the city of Toronto. First they got JFJ drunk and got him to sign off on the Tuukka Rask for Andrew Raycroft trade, then they traded Kessel for the 2nd overall pick in this year’s draft. The Bruins could be in the conference finals with two more wins and yet still have the 2nd overall pick in the draft thanks to the Leafs.....ughhhh.

NBA Playoff Opening Round- The only thing worse than the officiating in round one is those annoying as hell autotune NBA commercials they show 340048 times during each game. If I hear Paul Pierce say “I knew I had to knock it down” one more effing time I’m going to watch reruns of Tyler Perry’s House of Pain during every NBA game for the rest of the year. The Orlando-Charlotte series had as much drama as an episode of CSI: New York and I fell asleep during every game I watched in that series, true story. I thoroughly enjoyed watching the Thunder give the Lakers all they could handle before bowing out. The Thunder gave the Lakers all they could handle and definitely got in to their heads. At least I really hope so, because that is about the only logical way I can describe Kobe Bryant doing this. The Mavs played the role of the hot high schooler who puts on 40lbs at University and quickly becomes a 4 out of 10 by wasting a great regular season with a loss to the 7th seeded Spurs. The Spurs won despite the fact Manu Ginobili played most of the series with a maxi pad on his face. The Jazz gave Salt Lake City a huge party (1045pm curfew of course) with their win over the Nuggets despite the fact Kyrylo Fesenko and Kosta Koufos were getting regular playing time. Other then my boy Joakim Noah chirping the entire city of Cleveland, the Cavs-Bulls series was a quick one with Lebron dominating. The Boston Celtics decided to be a good team again and, other then Dwyane Wade pretending he was Michael Jordan for a game, smashed the Heat. Finally in my favourite series the Suns got by the Blazers with Kid Canada leading the way. Oops, I almost forgot the Bucks-Hawks, well here’s my analysis of this series.....this video was the only thing worth watching from the 7 games.

Annual Ben Roethlisberger Sexual Assault Case- just read my article on this guy, I think it explains everything pretty accurately.

The Masters- Speaking of dudes in trouble because of sex.....Tiger Woods made his return to golf at Augusta for the Masters. In one of the more disappointing displays from society, not one of the ‘patrons’ made any sexual related jokes or comments towards Woods all week. The only mention of Tiger`s sex scandal was when I rerouted a Canjet plane I was on to fly over the Masters with a sign saying Tiger was returning to Bootyism flowing behind it. Fred Couples decided at the last second to take 4 days off from sitting on his yacht and entered the tournament with his yacht shoes on and finished top 5. Phil Mickelson, minus his man boobs, won the tournament in fine fashion including a three hole stretch Saturday where he was inches away from going eagle-eagle-eagle. I haven’t seen a performance like that since this guy shot 9 under over 4 holes on the local FROLF course last week. Jim Nantz instantly became my favourite person for keeping his composure despite saying “somehow through all of this Tiger managed to 69” when describing Tiger’s final round. Tiger made headlines when he stated before the tournament he was going to stop swearing and throwing clubs on the course. This lasted roughly two holes until his first snap hook off the tee. Then we had the pleasure of watching a grown-ass man try not to throw a temper tantrum every single time he took a bad swing. Probably not the best time to hit 2 percent of the fairways eh Tiger?

NFL Draft- Most will remember this draft as the first prime time draft in NFL history. I will remember it as the day the Denver Broncos became my second favourite team. The Broncos made the biggest splash of the draft by taking my favourite human being ever Timothy Richard Tebow with the 26th pick overall. My Niners took two offensive lineman in the first round which really doesn’t excite anybody except Alex Smith and Frank Gore, but it will help immensely. The lions drafted Ndomanahdadkf Suh who I think will win defensive rookie of the year and also star in Adam Sandler’s next Hawaii based romantic comedy. Jeff Ireland, the Miami Dolphins GM, got in trouble for asking Dez Bryant if his mom is a prostitute. Not too sure if Ireland is having problems on the home front and looking for some action, but that seems like an odd question to me otherwise. Ireland should have made a trade for Roethlisberger in the off season. Seems like those two could have a great night out on the town! At least two have my friends have boners over Eric Berry going 5th overall, which is fine, but the first thing that comes to mind when I think of Eric Berry is this video. Jimmy Klausen not going until 48th was fun, as was Colt McCoy calling Mike Holmgren coach 3 times in an interview despite the fact he’s not the coach of the Browns, Eric Mangini is. But I will remember this draft for one thing........

Bieber Fever

So I slowly climb the stairs in my house from my downstairs bedroom to the living room and find my two boys, oh let’s call them Mark and Brian just for fun, sitting on either couch with laptops open listening to Justin Bieber. Yup Bieber fever is spreading and it’s infected 153 Brandon Avenue big time. Now many of you may be wondering why a 24 and 29 year old are listening to 16 year old Justin Bieber sing about love at 1030am on a Sunday morning.....and that’s fair. Not me though, I was only thinking “It’s about damn time!” Quickly it became a 25 year old, a 24 year old and a 29 year old listening to Justin Bieber, and yes, it was awesome.

Now before anyone reading this calls the police to report any of us for being creepy young adults, give Bieber a chance. Now does Justin Bieber need me as a fan? Definitely not, he’s got 3 billion screaming teenage girls for that, and probably prefers this to a twenty five year old dude. But he probably isn’t turning me down. So as I made breakfast while the two hung over gentlemen in my living room listened to Bieber, a few questions arose. Is Bieber a cool dude? I immediately answered “There’s no way he’s not the man.” Let’s review here, the dude is on Usher’s record label and Usher is in some of his songs or videos, Usher is a cool dude.
Bieber’s new single “Baby” features Ludacris, Ludacris is a cool dude. So basically we have a 16 year old who is chillin with Usher and Ludacris in Atlanta. Usher and Ludacris aren’t going to hang out with a 16 year old unless he’s a cool little dude. It’s not like he’s anyone not named Justin from N’Sync. Remember when we hated JT when he was with those tools. Him dropping those losers was the best decision I’ve seen since Will turned his blazer inside out at Bel-Air Academy on the Fresh Prince. He's also boys with Drake now, and yup Drake is a cool dude.

Anyway back to Bieber. As I sliced a bagel I asked the fellas, “You think Bieber gets with a lot of broads?” Granted he’s only 16, but 12 year old kids are getting drunk and giving BJ’s during recess. It’s a different world out there. I played football at recess in grade 7 and a boob touch over the shirt was going all the way. Gone are the days of girls in grade ten giving DJ Tanners at high school parties. (For those who don’t know what a DJ Tanner is, it’s when a girl gives a hand job to a guy over his jeans. It’s often called a dry job, so that’s where DJ came from. Also it seems like that was probably what DJ was doing with her boyfriend Steve on Full House after those 5pm homework sessions at the kitchen table) I think Bieber probably does well for himself and both the fellas agreed. Let’s face it here, he has basically every girl from the age of 13-18 to choose from, that’s like 672 million people that would love a piece of Stratford’s finest. No dude is turning that down 365 days a year....Nobody. Think back to when you were sixteen, you were a horny little bastard now weren’t you? I know you were because every dude at sixteen is a horny little bastard who thinks a solid Friday night is staying up late after his parents go to bed and watching Red Shoe Diaries. I’m telling you Bieber is a cocksman like Vince Vaughn in Wedding Crashers. There’s no way you can convince me otherwise.

So where do we go from here. Me and the fellas have decided Bieber is probably a cool little dude, who gets a lot of girls, is the most popular topic everyday on twitter and makes catchy music. Are we allowed to listen to him without being ridiculed and frowned upon by society? Can we drive around Toronto with the windows down and his song playing? Do we have to make a code name for him to use when we are discussing him around other people? Well I’m not going to let society dictate my life, if snapping my fingers to Bieber and having his new single on repeat is wrong.....then I don’t want to be right.

Ben Roethlisberger.....a Father's worst nightmare

So everyone knows about the Ben Roethlisberger situation that has happened because we live in a sports and sex obsessed world, and Ben is a player in both situations. He’s a two-time winning super bowl quarterback, so he’s pretty much got the sports world figured out. Unfortunately for Ben and for 20 year old college students in Georgia, Ben’s sexual game is the equivalent of Bubby Brister’s QB game. Ben is apparently so bad at wheeling women that he has to take unwilling 20 year old college students into bathroom stalls at college bars to get laid. Roethlisberger just signed an 8 year, $102 million deal in 2008, and has to sexually assault women to get any action? I’ve always known the bathroom stall to be a desirable hook up spot for women. If I had a nickel for every time my girlfriend bitched to me about how I’ve never take her into a filthy washroom stall to ‘make love’ to her, I’d still be $2.90 short of being able to purchase a condom from the machine usually located in those washrooms.

Granted Ben is an ugly dude, he’s never been confused with Tom Brady off the field. But if Marko Jaric can snag Adriana Lima, then Ben’s gotta be able to get someone that’s at least a 7 outta 10 to sleep with him right? I went to University for 5 years and I’ve seen the tall bastard affect in play at bars. I’ve witnessed the ugliest dude in the bar take the hottest chick home because he’s 6ft 5, it never fails. I’ve partied with two NHL hockey teams and watched the slew of women follow these guys around like weird hairstylists swarm Ron Artest. Women love tall dudes, women love pro athletes and women love rich, successful men. Ben has all this lined up for him, wheeling women in a bar should be like batting when Brian Tallet is pitching.....REALLY $#^!ING EASY! So he brings a girl into a bathroom, after buying her multiple shots, and while his bodyguards watch the door, Big Ben runs a QB dive play into her pants. Somehow he didn’t see how this could go horribly wrong for him?

So where does this leave the Pittsburgh Steelers? I’ve been reading a lot of comments on this story from Pittsburgh Steelers fans that are calling for Ben to be cut or traded. I feel like these people are all just “saying the right thing”, or typing their comments while their wife is looking over their shoulder hoping for some action from her that night. Imagine for a second that the Steelers did cut Big Ben. I bet you all these people’s opinions would change when the Steelers are 0-6 coming off a huge loss to the Detroit Lions. I mean anytime you can cut your two-time Super Bowl winning QB and enter the season with Dennis Dixon and Chuck Batch as your quarterbacks you gotta do it right? Ben is a moron and a poop stain on the underpants of society, but is needed for the Steelers to win. It’s been proven time and time again by idiotic pro athletes in the world, the media and society will support winners much harder then they will condemn disgusting individuals. If Ben leads the Steelers to success in the playoffs again, this whole sex case will disappear like the San Jose Sharks in the playoffs.

Roger Goodell has vowed to clean up the NFL since he took over as commissioner and has done so very admirably. He is certain to suspend Big Ben for 1-4 games for this moronic act. Suspensions aren’t nearly as exciting as what should be the punishment for Roethlisberger. First he should be forced to fire any of his public relations staff. Did anyone see the press conference Ben had following this incident? He’s going on national television for the first time since being accused of this disgusting display and none of his P.R. people say to each other, “you know, maybe the mullet with the pedophile scruff and an oversized red polo isn’t the way to go today?” If there was a contest to choose the uniform for a borderline sex offender, that’s definitely a finalist. I mean if you’re trying to convince the entire world that you’re not a sex offender, the best way to achieve that is to look exactly like one right? I kept waiting for him to wheel out a television and show video footage of him forcing himself on her to help out. It looked like an SNL skit to me. The second thing the NFL should do to discipline Roethlisberger has to do with media. I think it would be hilarious, and also a great deterrent, if on every Steelers broadcast, the broadcaster has to say the words accused sex offender after saying his name. I can hear Jim Nantz now, “Roethlisberger Accused Sex Offender, drops back and finds Hines Ward for the touchdown!......What a play by Ben Roethlisberger Accused Sex Offender to put the Steelers back on top.” Not only would this discipline keep Roethlisberger’s little Ben in his pants, but it would surely keep other players from similar acts right? Now that’s what I call discipline!

Sports Gambling.....it's FANtastic

1:05am on a Tuesday night, you’re sitting in your darkened room at your laptop, staring intently at the screen. Your right index finger is nervously tapping the refresh button on your browser as you furiously search for a final score in the New Jersey Nets-Sacramento Kings game. Neither team is making the playoffs this year; in fact the two teams combined record is 34-117 this year. There are probably about twenty three people worldwide watching this game, so why is a twenty five year old dude in Toronto living and dying with every shot hoisted? It’s all about the Benjamin’s baby!!!! Anything can happen, Anyone can win!

I’ve been gambling on sports casually for about four years now and it’s probably the fourth best thing I’ve experienced in my life after beer, free internet pornography, and beard trimmers to shave my body like a swimmer. Now if you’re a shift manager at Wendy’s then you probably shouldn’t be throwing 500 bucks on a Division II NCAA women’s field hockey game, so it’s important to determine your gambling budget. Once your gambling budget has been decided, and there’s a budget for everyone, it’s time to start. Anyone lucky enough to live in certain areas of Canada can legally sports gamble through provincially regulated sports gambling such as pro-line. This is a great way to learn the basics of sports gambling without losing too much money as you can purchase tickets for the same amount as a chocolate bar. And unless you want to end up like the French-Canadian dude with horrible acne from eating too many chocolate bars in that awesome TV commercial from 1998, then you should be buying a pro-line ticket instead of chocolate bars.

Gambling on sports is like knowing there’s a great nipple shot in a horrible movie, it totally changes the viewing experience. No matter how bad the movie may be a Scarlett Johansson nipple shot is enough to keep any male viewer entertained. The same thing happens when viewing a sporting event you gamble on that you normally wouldn’t watch. I’ve screamed myself hoarse watching Arkansas Pine-Bluff battle down to the wire versus Winthrop in the NCAA play-in game. I’ve cried more than a room of girls watching The Notebook during their ‘time of the month’ as I watched some white dude who plays 42 seconds a game for North Carolina stick a meaningless three to win by 19 over Maryland. Meaningless unless you had Maryland covering an 18.5 point spread. Pillows have been thrown across rooms, hats have been stomped on and an extraordinary amount of F-bombs have been thrown at random athletes on televisions ranging from Greg Ostertag to Dave “Gas Can” Bush. And I have loved every minute of it.

Sports gambling can turn a game you couldn’t be paid enough to watch, into must see television. I hate Big 10 college sports to the point that if I’m watching Michigan football and the wife says “Babe can we turn to the Real Housewives of Atlanta”, I can’t get to the controller fast enough to get those crazy bitches on. That being said, if I have money on Northwestern covering a 7.5 point spread at Wisconsin, she can’t even dirty talk me into missing the action. Tuesday Night....Craig Rivet leads his Buffalo Sabres into Atlanta to take on NHL legend Chris Chelios and his feisty Thrashers.......Sabres....Thrashers....NHL on Versus...Tuesday! If Craig Rivet is your lead for a game advertisement there’s no chance in hell anyone is watching this game......unless of course you have Buffalo winning in Atlanta for +190 on the money line! Forget the Rick Tocchet/Wayne Gretzky gambling scandal; if Gary Bettman wants to attract US viewers, he should latch onto gambling like the paparazzi latches onto Lindsay Lohan.

So if you have never gambled on sports, I suggest you begin with some proline wagers just to get your cock wet, then dig into the real online action and if you feel risky, then get a bookie. Just don’t come running to me when the bookie and his boys come to collect, I had Syracuse beating Butler big, so I’m fresh outta coin!

NHL Awards 2009-2010

There was mild discussion this year in some league circles about changing some of the regular season NHL awards. Does anyone really know who James Norris was anyway? Sounds like a General in the Civil War. While nothing came from these discussions, I decided to take this idea and run with it, so without further adieu here’s my new set of regular season awards.

The Keith Ballard Award for being a Great Teammate- I’m sure we all remember Keith two-handing his goalie Tomas Vokoun in the head after he allowed a goal this year . It not only cemented the win for this new award, but it was such a powerful moment in great teammate history that I decided to name the award after him. We are unsure whether Keith will be accompanied to the podium at this point by Tomas.

The Paris Hilton ``I don`t really do much but I`m really famous” Trophy- Other than a poorly shot sex tape, what exactly has Paris contributed to society? Other than some hilarious comments regarding his ex-girlfriends what has Sean Avery contributed to the New York Rangers? How we live in a world where these two people aren’t dating is beyond me. I have a feeling that as long as Avery is in the league this award is his.
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The “Brock Lesnar is my dad” trophy for best defenceman- You meet this girl in your biology class and she’s a straight rocket. Somehow you black out and manage to say something semi funny and she gives you her facebook contact. You begin to chat and you set a date for Friday night. You go to pick her up and BAM, Brock Lesnar opens the door. Turns out Brock is her dad, visiting for the weekend and your chances of doing anything with this girl other then shake her hand are gone. Well that’s what it’s like when you execute a perfect breakout and crossing the blue line you find Drew Doughty is waiting for you. Drew Doughty.....219lbs of crushing dreams. Did I mention he’s only 20? Yikes!

The Rocket Richard Trophy- Yes I know this award already goes to the top goal scorer in the NHL each year, but we have changed it and it goes to the team with the best looking set of ice girls......they all must be rockets. This year’s winner is the Nashville Predators ice girls. How these women haven’t made hockey popular in the Music City yet I’ll never know.


The Tiger Woods Sex Life Award for Biggest Surprise- Tiger had been fooling around on his wife Elin for years but he finally got caught and now every time you turn on the TV there’s a new girl confessing to having an affair with Tiger. Almost nobody knew about this. Does anyone realize the Winnipeg Jets, ugh I mean Phoenix Coyotes are two points out of first in the Western Conference?

The Dirk Diggler Award for Most Exciting Player- Patrick Kane has made his name as one of the most exciting players in the NHL. Lucky for us this doesn’t stop once the game is over. It seems Patty likes to have a good time when he heads out on the town. And like most males his age, he likes to have fun with women and possibly a post-bar fight. My advice to Patty would be that next time you’re going to have your picture taken in a limo with girls wearing only your boxers, try to get one 10/10 instead of two 5/10’s.....your better than that. How did Chicago not sign Chris Chelios to be Patty’s dad for the year?

Love is in the Air

I’m a straight male, always have been, always will be. I love women....all types of women. That being said I have a lot of Man Crushes. A Man Crush is when a hetrosexual man admires another man to an extreme in a non-romantic or sexual way, more having an intense desire to be that other man. Every guy who is a hardcore sports fan has their own list of Man Crushes and feels no shame in sharing this list with other people. See sports makes it okay for grown men to make comments like “If Crosby scores in OT he can do whatever he wants to my first daughter”, or “If Jordan Eberle scores 2 goals in the last 3 minutes, I’ll......” (I’ll let you guys fill in the blanks there, but let’s hope for my boy Marky’s sake he never runs into Jordan Eberle!) So without further adieu, here is the guys that my girlfriend is jealous of! (note- players must be active....leaving out beauties such as Doug Gilmour, Jerry Rice, Steve Young, Barry Sanders and Jamie Macoun’s moustache)


Tim Tebow- Say what you want about his pro QB prospects, this guy made my life better from August to January for the last for years. As the leader of my beloved Florida Gators, watching Tebow run over unsuspecting linebackers and defensive backs while becoming the first Sophomore to win the Heisman gave me 4 hour boners that Viagra could only dream of. Tebow is also the guy who we all want our daughters to date, or at least our neighbour`s hot daughter who makes you creep over the fence on a daily basis during summer sunbathing season. I may or may not have a 48 picture slideshow of Tebow on my computer, my background of my twitter page and computer as Tebow, and have even had my girlfriend question whether I like her or Tebow more. (side note- my anniversary is the date of the Gators National title in 2009......that may have been done on purpose) I only pray my Niners draft Timmy, because damn he would look sexy in niner red and gold.


David Wright- Tebow and D-Wright look very similar.....so I guess there`s no need to join E-Harmony to find out what I`m looking for in a man crush. D-Wright is what they call a 5 tool player meaning he hits for power and average, plays great D, steals bases, and has a cannon arm. I say D-Wright is a 6 tool player, because anyone who has to put up with the other tools playing for the Mets deserves some love. So he`s sick at baseball, but I bet you his real all-star skills show up at various New York nightclubs. There`s no way this guy doesn`t get ridiculous action. For the majority of my life, a man rolling in dirt does nothing to me, but during the 3 hours a Mets game is going on....D-Wright just feels right.


Steven Gerrard- Time to get international with my man crushes, as this Brit has pulled off the impossible. He made a Manchester United fan actually sort of cheer for Liverpool. He also has introduced these two British rockets into my life... Now Gerrard is top 3 of my man crushes, but if he leads England to World Cup 2010 glory, I will move in England and begin my courtship.


Jonathon Toews and Jordan Eberle- This is weird. They are both years younger than me.....to the point where if there are any internet police reading this webpage I could be investigated, but I don`t care you can`t help who you love right? Me and Johnny have had history. Ever since his epic 3 goal shootout performance in the World Juniors caught my eye like a nice ass shake on the bar dance floor, I’ve been smitten. Toews bursting onto the scene in that performance is like when you go to the bar with a girl for the first time. You have known her for a bit, she’s always been decent looking, but nothing to miss a Gators football game about. Then you see her in the bar for the first time and she’s wearing this outrageous outfit with perfect melons you had never knew existed and an ass shake worthy of a spot in Carmen Electra’s strip aerobics video. That’s what Toews shootout heroics did to me. I always knew he was a nice player, a beauty all-around talent, but that shootout got me love drunk. As for you Jordan Eberle, I won’t use a bar reference because well, you just reached the age where you are allowed in bars. Your kind of like my buddy’s little sister. You know the one who is entering grade 9 as you go to University. You always used to tease her growing up, nothing special. Every summer you come back she’s growing up a little bit, but still way too young for you to take notice. Then you stay at school for a few summers, don’t see her at all and think nothing about it. Then you see a facebook picture of her as she is now 18 and she’s legitimately hot. (Eberle scoring the tying goal vs Russia with 5 seconds left....) As sexy as she is you still keep telling yourself she is too young. Another year goes by, and you go home and head to your buddy’s house for a night of drinking. His little sister comes home from the bar and HOT DAMN she looks like Rachel McAdams. (Eberle scoring 2 goals in the last 3 minutes to tie the game vs USA...) You end up talking for 3 hours after everyone goes to bed and next thing you know you’re making out with Matty’s little sister.


David Beckham- So me and Becks are the exact same height and weight and have the same initials. We both play soccer (probably at about the same level too right?) and both find Victoria Beckham really effing hot (probably about the same level too right?) I may or may not have my first child’s name penciled in as David Beckham Belbeck. We have had our ups and downs me and David. His red card in 98 against Argentina hurt me like no girl ever has. His free kick goal vs Greece in the last seconds to put England in the 2002 World Cup gave me a thrill no girl ever has.... I still cannot watch this clip without tearing up in joy. Watching you bend the ball around a wall probably gets me more excited than it should, but I stopped fighting it long ago. One last hurrah for me and David this summer at the World Cup. A winning goal in the finals would be the best goodbye sex one could ever have!


Steve Nash- To any arrogant, obnoxious Americans out there....remember when a short white dude with long hair from Canada dominated your game and won back to back MVP`s? Because this guy does! Watching Stevie weave thru traffic and throwing no-look passes is NEAT-O! I think my favourite thing about Steve Nash is how he makes absolute NBA plugs into serviceable players by giving them layups and open shots even Chuck Swirsky could knock down. These names include Louis Amundson, James Jones, Raja Bell, Steven Hunter, Gordan Giricek, and Brian Skinner. Anywhere else these guys have played they are nobodies! A lot like Ben Affleck in any movie but Good Will Hunting. If Matt Damon wasn’t his boy, he wouldn’t be filthy rich, be married to Jennifer Garner, or have box seats at the Red Sox games. He would probably be a clothing model for Sears. Along with being a ridiculous point guard, Nasty (my name for him) is also a damn good soccer player who has a share in the Vancouver Whitecaps. The dude takes any chance he can get to pull soccer moves during timeouts. He also has his name in a Nelly Furtado song....and I like her....alot!

Sidney Crosby- Because my passport says I’m Canadian.......this is a must




Love,

Dane

A THANK YOU MESSAGE TO THE CHAMPS

I was more nervous for the Overtime session then a dude when his girlfriend misses her period. I can live in a world where I’m an unexpected father, but I cannot deal with the United States being better then Canada in hockey. Zach Parise had just scored on a scramble in front of Luongo to tie the game with 24 seconds left in the 3rd period. Turns out all that did was make the party when Sidney Crosby scored the winner, even that much better. So for kicking off the biggest party in Canadian history some Thank you messages are in order!
Dan Boyle- Thanks for dominating the Russia-Canada game by deciding to get 3 points in the first period. The game was over by the time you were done with your show. As icing on the cake you gave Alexander Semin a slew-foot that would make any Russian proud.
Brent Seabrook- Although the entire country is pretty sure you made the team because you are Duncan Keith’s defence partner with the Blackhawks or you own naked photos of Steve Yzerman’s wife somehow, you played relatively mistake free hockey and was solid at the back end justifying your selection, so thanks.
Chris Pronger- Thanks for playing like it was 1998 and not 2010 in the finals.
Shea Weber- Ever since the Olympics began we have heard Pierre orgasm every time your slap shot is discussed. We all knew you shot the puck pretty hard........then this happened Okay so that was Fulton Reed and not you but since Olympic copyright laws won’t let me show your goal that’s the next best thing. You shot a puck through the net....THROUGH THE NET! Nobody knew the damn thing went in until the replay judge called down to start the party.....so for your ridiculous slap shot and Pierre McGuire approved ‘big body presence’ we thank you.
Drew Doughty- Does anyone else find it weird that the last defence man to make Team Canada was the best defence man in the entire tournament? Your spin moves coming out of your zone are making more Canadian men horny then any stripper pulling spin moves on the stage ever could. When I was twenty I didn’t own a credit card, a cell phone, an ipod, I couldn’t cook, could barely do laundry and was struggling through second year communications theory. You’re winning gold medals. Watching you with the puck makes a Canadian man feel as safe as their daughter hanging out with a minister’s child. So thank you for being the best 20 year old hockey player in the world and for being our backbone on defence for the next 4 Olympic gold’s.
Duncan Keith- I usually don’t trust men with slicked back hair who have two first names, but Duncan Keith you’re making me question everything I stand for. Do I stop shaving my chest now? Does Paris Hilton actually have a talent? Is it wrong to dance alone in my house to Lady Gaga? These are all things I had no doubt about until Duncan Keith came along. So thank you Duncan for making me question everything in my life......it’s well worth it for the gold!
Scott Niedermayer- Scott I have a few questions about you. How old are you actually? Your gray hair makes me say 40’s, but your effortless skating speed makes me say 22. You were the veteran leader on the backend of this squad, well unless the young guys needed advice on how to turn the puck over, then they went to Pronger. You have a Stanley Cup, a World Championship and an Olympic gold medal on your resume. My resume says I worked as an assistant manager at Taco Bell, a landscaper in St Catharine’s, and a sales associate at Sport Chek, so we both have impressive resumes. Thanks for showing the world how easy skating can be, even while weighed down by a huge gold medal.
Martin Brodeur- You made sure we didn’t lose to Switzerland for the second Olympics in a row. That would have been more disappointing then finding out Hayden Panettiere and Wladimir Klitschko are dating (http://www.thehollywoodgossip.com/2010/01/hayden-panettiere-and-wladimir-klitschko-dating/) Anyway you’re the best goalie that ever lived, and while you may have had a few “I placed a large wager on the United States” moments in the first USA-Canada game, I got nothing but love for you Marty. So thanks for giving Bobby Loo a chance to shine and being a good sport about it.
Roberto Luongo- You have 33 million people saying “LOOOOOO” every time a puck touches your body. Do you realize the amount of power you have over an entire nation? Don’t be surprised if Prime Minister Harper is awkward when he’s congratulating you because he just realized he is not the most powerful man in this country anymore. Thanks for drugging Martin Brodeur’s Gatorade in the first Canada-USA game to make you our number one!

Marc-Andre Fleury- You had the best gig at the Olympics other then the alternate on a gold medal curling team. If there’s one dude’s digital camera I want to see from their Olympic party experience it’s yours. You knew you weren’t going to play so I’m guessing you made a lot of new’ friends’ from all over the world every single night. Thanks for being like the friend in a bad breakup, thanks for ‘just being there for us.’

Rick Nash- Rick I watch you whenever Columbus is on television, so once every 3 years, and I’ve always enjoyed your style. You were definitely the most aggressive of our Canadian forwards tossing out more body shots then Much Music during the Whistler opening night. Thank you for being our most dangerous forward during the finals and getting me giddy like a 14 yr old schoolgirl every time you crossed the blue line with the puck.....tee hee hee!
Sidney Crosby- Your winning goal initiated more human touching then alcohol does on a Saturday night. Your goal will now be placed in the same category as Henderson in 72’ and Lemieux in 87’. Unfortunately your too nice of a guy to say “I have a Stanley Cup and a Gold Medal, Ovie has a couple Richard trophies and bad teeth, you tell me whose on top” before the next Caps-Pens game, but it would be hilarious if you did. Thanks Sidney for ensuring that Canada can be a happy place to live for the next four years.
Mike Richards- You didn’t work out being on Crosby’s wing, probably because you’re not a winger and you’re not a sniper. Thanks for not complaining about that and now being a gold medalist.
Jarome Iginla- I would say you were the unsung hero of this team, except for the fact Bob McKenzie mentioned that after every game. You did the dirty work in the corners, back-checked like crazy and played great with Crosby. You had the assist on the game winning goal, you were our second leading scorer, and you smiled no matter how many dumb questions Farhan Lalji asked you, so thanks for being a true Canadian hockey player.
Eric Staal- Your one of my favourite players in the NHL, and also at these Olympics. Your family is quickly making the Sutter’s irrelevant, which is great because I’m not sure how many more Sutter brother news conferences I can handle. I’m sure you are probably in charge of planning the victory party judging by your experience in throwing kick ass crazy parties, (http://www.canada.com/topics/sports/story.html?k=30110&id=87d0433d-75af-4b1c-a772-7a38f7218fc0) Thanks for being one of our best all around players, performing to your potential and partying like any Canadian would at your bachelor party.
Patrice Bergeron- Thanks!

Johnathon Toews- I will admit Johnny, I have a man crush on you. Along with Drew Doughty you have officially become one of my boys. You led the Olympics in plus/minus, you scored the first goal of the finals, and you’re more annoying to the other team’s best forward then reoccurring rashes on your private area for no apparent reason. So thanks for being our best all around player, and for being smart enough to never take transportation with Patrick Kane.....ever (http://www.inquisitr.com/32611/patrick-kane-arrested-over-taxi-dispute/)(http://blog.zap2it.com/thedishrag/2010/01/patrick-kane-limo-pictures-topless-and-sweaty-1.html)
Dany Heatley- Thanks for being a dick to the people of Ottawa and demanding a trade which ended up with you in San Jose. This gave you an entire season to gain chemistry with Thornton and Marleau and led to that line being extremely productive for us at the Olympics, and I bet you Ottawa is in a pretty good mood right now!
Joe Thornton- Everyone says you can’t perform on the big game. I don’t think you really care because you have an Olympic gold medal now and that seems like a pretty big game to me. Thanks for being from St Thomas which makes me feel good because I’ve been there a lot of times and it’s near my hometown.
Brendan Morrow- Remember when we first decided that Canada needed some role players and we put Rob Zamuner on an Olympic team? Wow have we progressed when our role players went from Rob Zamuner to Brendan Morrow. That’s like Ryan Reynolds upgrading from Alanis Morissette to Scarlett Johansson. As a wise man once said “Know your role....and shut your mouth.” Thanks for knowing your role and being really really good at it.
Corey Perry- You always seem to be in the right place at the right time to put the puck in the net. I want to hail a cab with you in Toronto because I feel like that would be my best chance to end up in the Cash Cab. Thanks for scoring tonight, the server at Boston Pizza with big bombs jumped up and down in front of me when you did and it was fun for everyone.
Ryan Getzlaf- You almost didn’t play in these Olympics. We almost didn’t get to experience your ridiculous hands and feathery passes as you crossed the blue line. Thanks for being a hero to people with receding hair lines everywhere, myself included. That’s the best part about winning a gold medal, people will be so mesmerized by the medal they won’t bother looking at your hair. Hmmm, where do I get one of these medals?

Patrick Marleau- You and your San Jose brigade were a big part of this gold medal, make sure you don’t leave it out in the sun too long when you head back to Cali, Thanks!

Yours Truly,

Dane Belbeck

Reasons Why Curling is Awesome

Before the Olympics I used to hate Curling. Mostly because TSN would show curling during the afternoons and disrupt my daily Around the Horn, Pardon the Interruption routine. The Vancouver Olympics has made curling the biggest ‘can’t miss television event’ since The Jersey Shore. Now to those who are late getting on board the Curling train, let me give you some reasons why Curling is something you might be interested in.

1.Any child who enjoys sports growing up dreams of one day being a professional athlete or an Olympian. Curling makes that dream attainable. You could realistically be an Olympic Curler...... seriously. Nobody questions what a 6ft 10 jacked black dude does for a living when he walks in to a room. One look at the legs on a speed skater and it’s pretty clear they aren’t working the grill at TGI Fridays on Saturday mornings. There’s no way anyone is mistaking Shaun White for anything but a snowboarder or the dude living in the closet from ‘Dude Where’s My Car.’ Your 47 year old Financial Analyst neighbour could be an Olympic Curler. Bubba, the drunk dude from University? Has a great deal of Olympic Curler potential.
Invests your money by day.....Draws to the button by night!

This guy has Olympic Curling Scouts Drooling!


2.Not only is drinking acceptable in the curling world, it’s encouraged. In fact, if you don’t meet your opponents for beers after the match, it’s considered rude. The USA skip is a bartender, the skip of the 2nd best team in Canada manages a Beer Store. How has their not been a television show devoted to the secret lives of curlers? Men and women teams meet up in the bar after their match....the beer starts flowing like water, and BAM...next thing you know the Norwegian men’s skip and his snazzy pants (http://news.asiaone.com/a1media/news/01Jan07/images/norwegian.jpg) are goin’ home with the female lead from England.

3.The potential of being accused by your wife of watching porn. Next time a female Curling match is on, turn the volume up, go into a different room and try not to get aroused. Women screaming “HARD!” “HURRY!” and “GET OFF” repeatedly is everyday stuff in curling (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CM5mFH3_Qhs).
Now as a 25yr old dude living in a long distance relationship I clearly have seen my fair share of pornography, yet have not seen a porn video centered around a Curling situation, how has this not happened? That relationship is a bigger home run then Tiger Woods being a spokesman for Las Vegas Tourism!

4.The Women........Oh the Women. Curling was always thought of as a sport for non-athletes, not exactly the popular crowd, yet somehow at the 2008 “Smokin Hot Women of the World” Conference, these women decided to become Curlers. Also, there are great benefits to being attracted to a female curler. You don’t have to wonder if she’s a screamer before you get her into the sack......clearly she is. Watch the way they slide out of that hack, very flexible and athletic, always desirable in a partner. If your hooking up with a skip, you know she’s a woman who likes to be in charge....never bad to get bossed around in the bedroom, kinda sexy. She’s clearly adept with a broom....the house will always be clean. And of course, being a curler, she isn’t afraid to get into the booze. So basically you have a girl who likes to get drunk, be in charge in the bedroom, is a screamer, is flexible and athletic, and keeps a clean floor. Gee that sounds just awful!

In case you are having a hard time believing me regarding the sexiness of female curlers....







5.Mixed curling! Yes it’s not an Olympic event....not yet at least, but in Canada this is pretty big already. The unintentional sexual awkwardness level is at an all-time high as a female curler is yelling “HARD!” “REAL HARD!” at a man who is furiously sweeping the ice as the rock is sliding. Also how do you think the dude feels as he is obeying every command this women is yelling at him. Flip it around, wouldn’t it be great to have a 1950’s flashback moment as a man throws the rock and is yelling at the woman to sweep? Why does the television coverage have to stop at the end of the game? Keep the cameras rolling as the teams get into the booze. Listen to a drunken male skip make awkward sexual advances towards the female members of the other team, while the other dudes snicker like they are in the hall way in high school.

6.The 5th member of the team. This is the best gig at the Olympics without question. Talk to anyone who has been in Vancouver the past two weeks, it’s the biggest party in the world. Nobody is getting hurt while curling at the Olympics. I’ve watched curling casually for years and I’ve never seen anyone fall on the ice or trip on the rocks. There is practically no reason the 5th person will ever play. To put this in perspective, the 5th member of the Canadian Women’s team is 5 months pregnant. Yes you read that correctly, she is 5 months pregnant. People train for being a Curling alternate from a young age. The training usually begins with being the last pick for playground football at recess in elementary school and lasts right up to being the photographer for your own Family Reunion photos. Somehow they get medals if they win as well. Yup we live in a world where the head coach of the Canadian Olympic team will not receive a medal if Canada wins gold, yet the 5th member of the Canadian curling team will!

7.The celebrations following a huge shot or a huge win. Nobody athletic decides at a young age they are going to be a curler. So the majority of people curling are not overly athletic. And for any curler out there who is arguing “You Try it and see how hard it is”, I have tried it, and after 2 hours I had the push off the hack perfected, it’s not that hard. Sliding the rock with the proper weight and curl is very difficult, but that doesn’t take athleticism. So group together 4 or 5 non-athletic people and watch them celebrate wildly. It makes Tiger Woods and Stevie Williams high fives look smooth, and that is damn near impossible.

8.The list of people who have attended curling at the 2010 Olympics include Wayne Gretzky, Carl Lewis and Vernon Davis. Huh? Everyone thinks it’s weird that Stephen Colbert is the honorary Captain of the USA speed skating team, well how about Vernon Davis being the honorary captain of the USA curling team. Also during Curling matches, things like this happen......... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sDn28RwwfhQ

9.Anytime the history of your sport involves clearly superior athletes such as these, there’s no way it’s not awesome.