I was more nervous for the Overtime session then a dude when his girlfriend misses her period. I can live in a world where I’m an unexpected father, but I cannot deal with the United States being better then Canada in hockey. Zach Parise had just scored on a scramble in front of Luongo to tie the game with 24 seconds left in the 3rd period. Turns out all that did was make the party when Sidney Crosby scored the winner, even that much better. So for kicking off the biggest party in Canadian history some Thank you messages are in order!
Dan Boyle- Thanks for dominating the Russia-Canada game by deciding to get 3 points in the first period. The game was over by the time you were done with your show. As icing on the cake you gave Alexander Semin a slew-foot that would make any Russian proud.
Brent Seabrook- Although the entire country is pretty sure you made the team because you are Duncan Keith’s defence partner with the Blackhawks or you own naked photos of Steve Yzerman’s wife somehow, you played relatively mistake free hockey and was solid at the back end justifying your selection, so thanks.
Chris Pronger- Thanks for playing like it was 1998 and not 2010 in the finals.
Shea Weber- Ever since the Olympics began we have heard Pierre orgasm every time your slap shot is discussed. We all knew you shot the puck pretty hard........then this happened Okay so that was Fulton Reed and not you but since Olympic copyright laws won’t let me show your goal that’s the next best thing. You shot a puck through the net....THROUGH THE NET! Nobody knew the damn thing went in until the replay judge called down to start the party.....so for your ridiculous slap shot and Pierre McGuire approved ‘big body presence’ we thank you.
Drew Doughty- Does anyone else find it weird that the last defence man to make Team Canada was the best defence man in the entire tournament? Your spin moves coming out of your zone are making more Canadian men horny then any stripper pulling spin moves on the stage ever could. When I was twenty I didn’t own a credit card, a cell phone, an ipod, I couldn’t cook, could barely do laundry and was struggling through second year communications theory. You’re winning gold medals. Watching you with the puck makes a Canadian man feel as safe as their daughter hanging out with a minister’s child. So thank you for being the best 20 year old hockey player in the world and for being our backbone on defence for the next 4 Olympic gold’s.
Duncan Keith- I usually don’t trust men with slicked back hair who have two first names, but Duncan Keith you’re making me question everything I stand for. Do I stop shaving my chest now? Does Paris Hilton actually have a talent? Is it wrong to dance alone in my house to Lady Gaga? These are all things I had no doubt about until Duncan Keith came along. So thank you Duncan for making me question everything in my life......it’s well worth it for the gold!
Scott Niedermayer- Scott I have a few questions about you. How old are you actually? Your gray hair makes me say 40’s, but your effortless skating speed makes me say 22. You were the veteran leader on the backend of this squad, well unless the young guys needed advice on how to turn the puck over, then they went to Pronger. You have a Stanley Cup, a World Championship and an Olympic gold medal on your resume. My resume says I worked as an assistant manager at Taco Bell, a landscaper in St Catharine’s, and a sales associate at Sport Chek, so we both have impressive resumes. Thanks for showing the world how easy skating can be, even while weighed down by a huge gold medal.
Martin Brodeur- You made sure we didn’t lose to Switzerland for the second Olympics in a row. That would have been more disappointing then finding out Hayden Panettiere and Wladimir Klitschko are dating (http://www.thehollywoodgossip.com/2010/01/hayden-panettiere-and-wladimir-klitschko-dating/) Anyway you’re the best goalie that ever lived, and while you may have had a few “I placed a large wager on the United States” moments in the first USA-Canada game, I got nothing but love for you Marty. So thanks for giving Bobby Loo a chance to shine and being a good sport about it.
Roberto Luongo- You have 33 million people saying “LOOOOOO” every time a puck touches your body. Do you realize the amount of power you have over an entire nation? Don’t be surprised if Prime Minister Harper is awkward when he’s congratulating you because he just realized he is not the most powerful man in this country anymore. Thanks for drugging Martin Brodeur’s Gatorade in the first Canada-USA game to make you our number one!
Marc-Andre Fleury- You had the best gig at the Olympics other then the alternate on a gold medal curling team. If there’s one dude’s digital camera I want to see from their Olympic party experience it’s yours. You knew you weren’t going to play so I’m guessing you made a lot of new’ friends’ from all over the world every single night. Thanks for being like the friend in a bad breakup, thanks for ‘just being there for us.’
Rick Nash- Rick I watch you whenever Columbus is on television, so once every 3 years, and I’ve always enjoyed your style. You were definitely the most aggressive of our Canadian forwards tossing out more body shots then Much Music during the Whistler opening night. Thank you for being our most dangerous forward during the finals and getting me giddy like a 14 yr old schoolgirl every time you crossed the blue line with the puck.....tee hee hee!
Sidney Crosby- Your winning goal initiated more human touching then alcohol does on a Saturday night. Your goal will now be placed in the same category as Henderson in 72’ and Lemieux in 87’. Unfortunately your too nice of a guy to say “I have a Stanley Cup and a Gold Medal, Ovie has a couple Richard trophies and bad teeth, you tell me whose on top” before the next Caps-Pens game, but it would be hilarious if you did. Thanks Sidney for ensuring that Canada can be a happy place to live for the next four years.
Mike Richards- You didn’t work out being on Crosby’s wing, probably because you’re not a winger and you’re not a sniper. Thanks for not complaining about that and now being a gold medalist.
Jarome Iginla- I would say you were the unsung hero of this team, except for the fact Bob McKenzie mentioned that after every game. You did the dirty work in the corners, back-checked like crazy and played great with Crosby. You had the assist on the game winning goal, you were our second leading scorer, and you smiled no matter how many dumb questions Farhan Lalji asked you, so thanks for being a true Canadian hockey player.
Eric Staal- Your one of my favourite players in the NHL, and also at these Olympics. Your family is quickly making the Sutter’s irrelevant, which is great because I’m not sure how many more Sutter brother news conferences I can handle. I’m sure you are probably in charge of planning the victory party judging by your experience in throwing kick ass crazy parties, (http://www.canada.com/topics/sports/story.html?k=30110&id=87d0433d-75af-4b1c-a772-7a38f7218fc0) Thanks for being one of our best all around players, performing to your potential and partying like any Canadian would at your bachelor party.
Patrice Bergeron- Thanks!
Johnathon Toews- I will admit Johnny, I have a man crush on you. Along with Drew Doughty you have officially become one of my boys. You led the Olympics in plus/minus, you scored the first goal of the finals, and you’re more annoying to the other team’s best forward then reoccurring rashes on your private area for no apparent reason. So thanks for being our best all around player, and for being smart enough to never take transportation with Patrick Kane.....ever (http://www.inquisitr.com/32611/patrick-kane-arrested-over-taxi-dispute/)(http://blog.zap2it.com/thedishrag/2010/01/patrick-kane-limo-pictures-topless-and-sweaty-1.html)
Dany Heatley- Thanks for being a dick to the people of Ottawa and demanding a trade which ended up with you in San Jose. This gave you an entire season to gain chemistry with Thornton and Marleau and led to that line being extremely productive for us at the Olympics, and I bet you Ottawa is in a pretty good mood right now!
Joe Thornton- Everyone says you can’t perform on the big game. I don’t think you really care because you have an Olympic gold medal now and that seems like a pretty big game to me. Thanks for being from St Thomas which makes me feel good because I’ve been there a lot of times and it’s near my hometown.
Brendan Morrow- Remember when we first decided that Canada needed some role players and we put Rob Zamuner on an Olympic team? Wow have we progressed when our role players went from Rob Zamuner to Brendan Morrow. That’s like Ryan Reynolds upgrading from Alanis Morissette to Scarlett Johansson. As a wise man once said “Know your role....and shut your mouth.” Thanks for knowing your role and being really really good at it.
Corey Perry- You always seem to be in the right place at the right time to put the puck in the net. I want to hail a cab with you in Toronto because I feel like that would be my best chance to end up in the Cash Cab. Thanks for scoring tonight, the server at Boston Pizza with big bombs jumped up and down in front of me when you did and it was fun for everyone. 
Ryan Getzlaf- You almost didn’t play in these Olympics. We almost didn’t get to experience your ridiculous hands and feathery passes as you crossed the blue line. Thanks for being a hero to people with receding hair lines everywhere, myself included. That’s the best part about winning a gold medal, people will be so mesmerized by the medal they won’t bother looking at your hair. Hmmm, where do I get one of these medals? 
Patrick Marleau- You and your San Jose brigade were a big part of this gold medal, make sure you don’t leave it out in the sun too long when you head back to Cali, Thanks!
Yours Truly,
Dane Belbeck
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