1:05am on a Tuesday night, you’re sitting in your darkened room at your laptop, staring intently at the screen. Your right index finger is nervously tapping the refresh button on your browser as you furiously search for a final score in the New Jersey Nets-Sacramento Kings game. Neither team is making the playoffs this year; in fact the two teams combined record is 34-117 this year. There are probably about twenty three people worldwide watching this game, so why is a twenty five year old dude in Toronto living and dying with every shot hoisted? It’s all about the Benjamin’s baby!!!! Anything can happen, Anyone can win!
I’ve been gambling on sports casually for about four years now and it’s probably the fourth best thing I’ve experienced in my life after beer, free internet pornography, and beard trimmers to shave my body like a swimmer. Now if you’re a shift manager at Wendy’s then you probably shouldn’t be throwing 500 bucks on a Division II NCAA women’s field hockey game, so it’s important to determine your gambling budget. Once your gambling budget has been decided, and there’s a budget for everyone, it’s time to start. Anyone lucky enough to live in certain areas of Canada can legally sports gamble through provincially regulated sports gambling such as pro-line. This is a great way to learn the basics of sports gambling without losing too much money as you can purchase tickets for the same amount as a chocolate bar. And unless you want to end up like the French-Canadian dude with horrible acne from eating too many chocolate bars in that awesome TV commercial from 1998, then you should be buying a pro-line ticket instead of chocolate bars.
Gambling on sports is like knowing there’s a great nipple shot in a horrible movie, it totally changes the viewing experience. No matter how bad the movie may be a Scarlett Johansson nipple shot is enough to keep any male viewer entertained. The same thing happens when viewing a sporting event you gamble on that you normally wouldn’t watch. I’ve screamed myself hoarse watching Arkansas Pine-Bluff battle down to the wire versus Winthrop in the NCAA play-in game. I’ve cried more than a room of girls watching The Notebook during their ‘time of the month’ as I watched some white dude who plays 42 seconds a game for North Carolina stick a meaningless three to win by 19 over Maryland. Meaningless unless you had Maryland covering an 18.5 point spread. Pillows have been thrown across rooms, hats have been stomped on and an extraordinary amount of F-bombs have been thrown at random athletes on televisions ranging from Greg Ostertag to Dave “Gas Can” Bush. And I have loved every minute of it.
Sports gambling can turn a game you couldn’t be paid enough to watch, into must see television. I hate Big 10 college sports to the point that if I’m watching Michigan football and the wife says “Babe can we turn to the Real Housewives of Atlanta”, I can’t get to the controller fast enough to get those crazy bitches on. That being said, if I have money on Northwestern covering a 7.5 point spread at Wisconsin, she can’t even dirty talk me into missing the action. Tuesday Night....Craig Rivet leads his Buffalo Sabres into Atlanta to take on NHL legend Chris Chelios and his feisty Thrashers.......Sabres....Thrashers....NHL on Versus...Tuesday! If Craig Rivet is your lead for a game advertisement there’s no chance in hell anyone is watching this game......unless of course you have Buffalo winning in Atlanta for +190 on the money line! Forget the Rick Tocchet/Wayne Gretzky gambling scandal; if Gary Bettman wants to attract US viewers, he should latch onto gambling like the paparazzi latches onto Lindsay Lohan.
So if you have never gambled on sports, I suggest you begin with some proline wagers just to get your cock wet, then dig into the real online action and if you feel risky, then get a bookie. Just don’t come running to me when the bookie and his boys come to collect, I had Syracuse beating Butler big, so I’m fresh outta coin!
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