Bieber Fever

So I slowly climb the stairs in my house from my downstairs bedroom to the living room and find my two boys, oh let’s call them Mark and Brian just for fun, sitting on either couch with laptops open listening to Justin Bieber. Yup Bieber fever is spreading and it’s infected 153 Brandon Avenue big time. Now many of you may be wondering why a 24 and 29 year old are listening to 16 year old Justin Bieber sing about love at 1030am on a Sunday morning.....and that’s fair. Not me though, I was only thinking “It’s about damn time!” Quickly it became a 25 year old, a 24 year old and a 29 year old listening to Justin Bieber, and yes, it was awesome.

Now before anyone reading this calls the police to report any of us for being creepy young adults, give Bieber a chance. Now does Justin Bieber need me as a fan? Definitely not, he’s got 3 billion screaming teenage girls for that, and probably prefers this to a twenty five year old dude. But he probably isn’t turning me down. So as I made breakfast while the two hung over gentlemen in my living room listened to Bieber, a few questions arose. Is Bieber a cool dude? I immediately answered “There’s no way he’s not the man.” Let’s review here, the dude is on Usher’s record label and Usher is in some of his songs or videos, Usher is a cool dude.
Bieber’s new single “Baby” features Ludacris, Ludacris is a cool dude. So basically we have a 16 year old who is chillin with Usher and Ludacris in Atlanta. Usher and Ludacris aren’t going to hang out with a 16 year old unless he’s a cool little dude. It’s not like he’s anyone not named Justin from N’Sync. Remember when we hated JT when he was with those tools. Him dropping those losers was the best decision I’ve seen since Will turned his blazer inside out at Bel-Air Academy on the Fresh Prince. He's also boys with Drake now, and yup Drake is a cool dude.

Anyway back to Bieber. As I sliced a bagel I asked the fellas, “You think Bieber gets with a lot of broads?” Granted he’s only 16, but 12 year old kids are getting drunk and giving BJ’s during recess. It’s a different world out there. I played football at recess in grade 7 and a boob touch over the shirt was going all the way. Gone are the days of girls in grade ten giving DJ Tanners at high school parties. (For those who don’t know what a DJ Tanner is, it’s when a girl gives a hand job to a guy over his jeans. It’s often called a dry job, so that’s where DJ came from. Also it seems like that was probably what DJ was doing with her boyfriend Steve on Full House after those 5pm homework sessions at the kitchen table) I think Bieber probably does well for himself and both the fellas agreed. Let’s face it here, he has basically every girl from the age of 13-18 to choose from, that’s like 672 million people that would love a piece of Stratford’s finest. No dude is turning that down 365 days a year....Nobody. Think back to when you were sixteen, you were a horny little bastard now weren’t you? I know you were because every dude at sixteen is a horny little bastard who thinks a solid Friday night is staying up late after his parents go to bed and watching Red Shoe Diaries. I’m telling you Bieber is a cocksman like Vince Vaughn in Wedding Crashers. There’s no way you can convince me otherwise.

So where do we go from here. Me and the fellas have decided Bieber is probably a cool little dude, who gets a lot of girls, is the most popular topic everyday on twitter and makes catchy music. Are we allowed to listen to him without being ridiculed and frowned upon by society? Can we drive around Toronto with the windows down and his song playing? Do we have to make a code name for him to use when we are discussing him around other people? Well I’m not going to let society dictate my life, if snapping my fingers to Bieber and having his new single on repeat is wrong.....then I don’t want to be right.

Ben Roethlisberger.....a Father's worst nightmare

So everyone knows about the Ben Roethlisberger situation that has happened because we live in a sports and sex obsessed world, and Ben is a player in both situations. He’s a two-time winning super bowl quarterback, so he’s pretty much got the sports world figured out. Unfortunately for Ben and for 20 year old college students in Georgia, Ben’s sexual game is the equivalent of Bubby Brister’s QB game. Ben is apparently so bad at wheeling women that he has to take unwilling 20 year old college students into bathroom stalls at college bars to get laid. Roethlisberger just signed an 8 year, $102 million deal in 2008, and has to sexually assault women to get any action? I’ve always known the bathroom stall to be a desirable hook up spot for women. If I had a nickel for every time my girlfriend bitched to me about how I’ve never take her into a filthy washroom stall to ‘make love’ to her, I’d still be $2.90 short of being able to purchase a condom from the machine usually located in those washrooms.

Granted Ben is an ugly dude, he’s never been confused with Tom Brady off the field. But if Marko Jaric can snag Adriana Lima, then Ben’s gotta be able to get someone that’s at least a 7 outta 10 to sleep with him right? I went to University for 5 years and I’ve seen the tall bastard affect in play at bars. I’ve witnessed the ugliest dude in the bar take the hottest chick home because he’s 6ft 5, it never fails. I’ve partied with two NHL hockey teams and watched the slew of women follow these guys around like weird hairstylists swarm Ron Artest. Women love tall dudes, women love pro athletes and women love rich, successful men. Ben has all this lined up for him, wheeling women in a bar should be like batting when Brian Tallet is pitching.....REALLY $#^!ING EASY! So he brings a girl into a bathroom, after buying her multiple shots, and while his bodyguards watch the door, Big Ben runs a QB dive play into her pants. Somehow he didn’t see how this could go horribly wrong for him?

So where does this leave the Pittsburgh Steelers? I’ve been reading a lot of comments on this story from Pittsburgh Steelers fans that are calling for Ben to be cut or traded. I feel like these people are all just “saying the right thing”, or typing their comments while their wife is looking over their shoulder hoping for some action from her that night. Imagine for a second that the Steelers did cut Big Ben. I bet you all these people’s opinions would change when the Steelers are 0-6 coming off a huge loss to the Detroit Lions. I mean anytime you can cut your two-time Super Bowl winning QB and enter the season with Dennis Dixon and Chuck Batch as your quarterbacks you gotta do it right? Ben is a moron and a poop stain on the underpants of society, but is needed for the Steelers to win. It’s been proven time and time again by idiotic pro athletes in the world, the media and society will support winners much harder then they will condemn disgusting individuals. If Ben leads the Steelers to success in the playoffs again, this whole sex case will disappear like the San Jose Sharks in the playoffs.

Roger Goodell has vowed to clean up the NFL since he took over as commissioner and has done so very admirably. He is certain to suspend Big Ben for 1-4 games for this moronic act. Suspensions aren’t nearly as exciting as what should be the punishment for Roethlisberger. First he should be forced to fire any of his public relations staff. Did anyone see the press conference Ben had following this incident? He’s going on national television for the first time since being accused of this disgusting display and none of his P.R. people say to each other, “you know, maybe the mullet with the pedophile scruff and an oversized red polo isn’t the way to go today?” If there was a contest to choose the uniform for a borderline sex offender, that’s definitely a finalist. I mean if you’re trying to convince the entire world that you’re not a sex offender, the best way to achieve that is to look exactly like one right? I kept waiting for him to wheel out a television and show video footage of him forcing himself on her to help out. It looked like an SNL skit to me. The second thing the NFL should do to discipline Roethlisberger has to do with media. I think it would be hilarious, and also a great deterrent, if on every Steelers broadcast, the broadcaster has to say the words accused sex offender after saying his name. I can hear Jim Nantz now, “Roethlisberger Accused Sex Offender, drops back and finds Hines Ward for the touchdown!......What a play by Ben Roethlisberger Accused Sex Offender to put the Steelers back on top.” Not only would this discipline keep Roethlisberger’s little Ben in his pants, but it would surely keep other players from similar acts right? Now that’s what I call discipline!

Sports Gambling.....it's FANtastic

1:05am on a Tuesday night, you’re sitting in your darkened room at your laptop, staring intently at the screen. Your right index finger is nervously tapping the refresh button on your browser as you furiously search for a final score in the New Jersey Nets-Sacramento Kings game. Neither team is making the playoffs this year; in fact the two teams combined record is 34-117 this year. There are probably about twenty three people worldwide watching this game, so why is a twenty five year old dude in Toronto living and dying with every shot hoisted? It’s all about the Benjamin’s baby!!!! Anything can happen, Anyone can win!

I’ve been gambling on sports casually for about four years now and it’s probably the fourth best thing I’ve experienced in my life after beer, free internet pornography, and beard trimmers to shave my body like a swimmer. Now if you’re a shift manager at Wendy’s then you probably shouldn’t be throwing 500 bucks on a Division II NCAA women’s field hockey game, so it’s important to determine your gambling budget. Once your gambling budget has been decided, and there’s a budget for everyone, it’s time to start. Anyone lucky enough to live in certain areas of Canada can legally sports gamble through provincially regulated sports gambling such as pro-line. This is a great way to learn the basics of sports gambling without losing too much money as you can purchase tickets for the same amount as a chocolate bar. And unless you want to end up like the French-Canadian dude with horrible acne from eating too many chocolate bars in that awesome TV commercial from 1998, then you should be buying a pro-line ticket instead of chocolate bars.

Gambling on sports is like knowing there’s a great nipple shot in a horrible movie, it totally changes the viewing experience. No matter how bad the movie may be a Scarlett Johansson nipple shot is enough to keep any male viewer entertained. The same thing happens when viewing a sporting event you gamble on that you normally wouldn’t watch. I’ve screamed myself hoarse watching Arkansas Pine-Bluff battle down to the wire versus Winthrop in the NCAA play-in game. I’ve cried more than a room of girls watching The Notebook during their ‘time of the month’ as I watched some white dude who plays 42 seconds a game for North Carolina stick a meaningless three to win by 19 over Maryland. Meaningless unless you had Maryland covering an 18.5 point spread. Pillows have been thrown across rooms, hats have been stomped on and an extraordinary amount of F-bombs have been thrown at random athletes on televisions ranging from Greg Ostertag to Dave “Gas Can” Bush. And I have loved every minute of it.

Sports gambling can turn a game you couldn’t be paid enough to watch, into must see television. I hate Big 10 college sports to the point that if I’m watching Michigan football and the wife says “Babe can we turn to the Real Housewives of Atlanta”, I can’t get to the controller fast enough to get those crazy bitches on. That being said, if I have money on Northwestern covering a 7.5 point spread at Wisconsin, she can’t even dirty talk me into missing the action. Tuesday Night....Craig Rivet leads his Buffalo Sabres into Atlanta to take on NHL legend Chris Chelios and his feisty Thrashers.......Sabres....Thrashers....NHL on Versus...Tuesday! If Craig Rivet is your lead for a game advertisement there’s no chance in hell anyone is watching this game......unless of course you have Buffalo winning in Atlanta for +190 on the money line! Forget the Rick Tocchet/Wayne Gretzky gambling scandal; if Gary Bettman wants to attract US viewers, he should latch onto gambling like the paparazzi latches onto Lindsay Lohan.

So if you have never gambled on sports, I suggest you begin with some proline wagers just to get your cock wet, then dig into the real online action and if you feel risky, then get a bookie. Just don’t come running to me when the bookie and his boys come to collect, I had Syracuse beating Butler big, so I’m fresh outta coin!

NHL Awards 2009-2010

There was mild discussion this year in some league circles about changing some of the regular season NHL awards. Does anyone really know who James Norris was anyway? Sounds like a General in the Civil War. While nothing came from these discussions, I decided to take this idea and run with it, so without further adieu here’s my new set of regular season awards.

The Keith Ballard Award for being a Great Teammate- I’m sure we all remember Keith two-handing his goalie Tomas Vokoun in the head after he allowed a goal this year . It not only cemented the win for this new award, but it was such a powerful moment in great teammate history that I decided to name the award after him. We are unsure whether Keith will be accompanied to the podium at this point by Tomas.

The Paris Hilton ``I don`t really do much but I`m really famous” Trophy- Other than a poorly shot sex tape, what exactly has Paris contributed to society? Other than some hilarious comments regarding his ex-girlfriends what has Sean Avery contributed to the New York Rangers? How we live in a world where these two people aren’t dating is beyond me. I have a feeling that as long as Avery is in the league this award is his.
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The “Brock Lesnar is my dad” trophy for best defenceman- You meet this girl in your biology class and she’s a straight rocket. Somehow you black out and manage to say something semi funny and she gives you her facebook contact. You begin to chat and you set a date for Friday night. You go to pick her up and BAM, Brock Lesnar opens the door. Turns out Brock is her dad, visiting for the weekend and your chances of doing anything with this girl other then shake her hand are gone. Well that’s what it’s like when you execute a perfect breakout and crossing the blue line you find Drew Doughty is waiting for you. Drew Doughty.....219lbs of crushing dreams. Did I mention he’s only 20? Yikes!

The Rocket Richard Trophy- Yes I know this award already goes to the top goal scorer in the NHL each year, but we have changed it and it goes to the team with the best looking set of ice girls......they all must be rockets. This year’s winner is the Nashville Predators ice girls. How these women haven’t made hockey popular in the Music City yet I’ll never know.


The Tiger Woods Sex Life Award for Biggest Surprise- Tiger had been fooling around on his wife Elin for years but he finally got caught and now every time you turn on the TV there’s a new girl confessing to having an affair with Tiger. Almost nobody knew about this. Does anyone realize the Winnipeg Jets, ugh I mean Phoenix Coyotes are two points out of first in the Western Conference?

The Dirk Diggler Award for Most Exciting Player- Patrick Kane has made his name as one of the most exciting players in the NHL. Lucky for us this doesn’t stop once the game is over. It seems Patty likes to have a good time when he heads out on the town. And like most males his age, he likes to have fun with women and possibly a post-bar fight. My advice to Patty would be that next time you’re going to have your picture taken in a limo with girls wearing only your boxers, try to get one 10/10 instead of two 5/10’s.....your better than that. How did Chicago not sign Chris Chelios to be Patty’s dad for the year?