Opening Day for Baseball- In a plethora of random sentences here is the first month of baseball season summed up. My Mets are battling for first. Roy Halladay is still really effing good in the National League. Big Papi should retire and play slo-pitch. I bought Jays season tickets and Vernon Wells is good again, Lyle Overbay still blows, John Buck (minus his 3 homer game) has all 12000 fans in the Rogers Centre using an F instead of a B on his last name on purpose and Jose Molina stops more people from getting to second base then a smoking hot pastors daughter at a keg party. Jimenez pitched a no-hitter but walked six batters, which led to a 15 minute explanation to my girlfriend about how it was really cool even though 6 people still made it on base. The Mets and Cardinals played a 20 inning game, with 19 of those innings being scoreless, that had two Cards third baseman pitching (with one being on a pitch count....you can’t make this stuff up), a pitcher playing left field and looking like a 45 year old fat dude playing beer league slo-pitch in board shorts and a backwards hat while tracking fly balls, and me never getting those 6 hours and 42 minutes of my life back. Somehow the Padres are in first place despite the fact 98% of America can only name one player on their team (Adrian Gonzalez), and Pittsburgh has reached a new level of awful ensuring that this scene from Hook is still the best baseball any Pirate has played since 1993.
NCAA Basketball Final- Just like everyone else in North America I also had Butler and Duke in the finals with Butler rimming out a half court shot at the buzzer to win, so this tournament wasn’t exciting in the slightest......or maybe the best ever. Other then the fact my Gators were the very first team eliminated in the damn tournament (gotta love that 12pm Thursday tip time) and Duke won the tournament, this was probably my favourite tournament in my 25 years on earth. I’m still having multiple Gusgasms from the Xavier-Kansas State finish. Favourite things about the tournament this year was Gus Johnson as usual, Northern Iowa, Michigan State, this Maryland fan’s reaction to losing on a buzzer beater my Michigan State , Michigan not being in the tournament, Kansas State coach Frank Martin (I fear he may have me whacked if I didn’t mention him), Cornell University proving smart dudes can ball, but Kentucky showing dumb dudes can ball better, and of course Syracuse coach Jim Boeheim’s wife Julie.
NHL Playoff Opening Round- It used to bother me the Leafs didn’t make the playoffs, but like watching porn with the odd close-up of a dudes face, you learn to adapt. The opening round of this year’s playoffs was fantastic. The opening round featured Craig Anderson becoming the best goalie in the history of the world for one night, only to be taken over by Jaroslav Halak. Someone finally found a role for Hal Gill, which led to the Habs shocking the Capitals. Sidney Crosby decided the Ottawa Senators were a minor bantam team at best and skated circles around them. The Los Angeles Kings and Vancouver Canucks battled back and forth and played hockey that was more wide open then Jenna Jameson’s legs. Detroit let the Winnipeg Jets feel good story get three more wins before they said, we’re the Detroit Effing Red Wings, and destroyed them in game 7. Nashville proved they can’t win a playoff series without Ryan Jones, suck it Trotz, and the Boston Bruins are sticking a giant middle finger towards the city of Toronto. First they got JFJ drunk and got him to sign off on the Tuukka Rask for Andrew Raycroft trade, then they traded Kessel for the 2nd overall pick in this year’s draft. The Bruins could be in the conference finals with two more wins and yet still have the 2nd overall pick in the draft thanks to the Leafs.....ughhhh.
NBA Playoff Opening Round- The only thing worse than the officiating in round one is those annoying as hell autotune NBA commercials they show 340048 times during each game. If I hear Paul Pierce say “I knew I had to knock it down” one more effing time I’m going to watch reruns of Tyler Perry’s House of Pain during every NBA game for the rest of the year. The Orlando-Charlotte series had as much drama as an episode of CSI: New York and I fell asleep during every game I watched in that series, true story. I thoroughly enjoyed watching the Thunder give the Lakers all they could handle before bowing out. The Thunder gave the Lakers all they could handle and definitely got in to their heads. At least I really hope so, because that is about the only logical way I can describe Kobe Bryant doing this.
The Mavs played the role of the hot high schooler who puts on 40lbs at University and quickly becomes a 4 out of 10 by wasting a great regular season with a loss to the 7th seeded Spurs. The Spurs won despite the fact Manu Ginobili played most of the series with a maxi pad on his face. The Jazz gave Salt Lake City a huge party (1045pm curfew of course) with their win over the Nuggets despite the fact Kyrylo Fesenko and Kosta Koufos were getting regular playing time. Other then my boy Joakim Noah chirping the entire city of Cleveland, the Cavs-Bulls series was a quick one with Lebron dominating. The Boston Celtics decided to be a good team again and, other then Dwyane Wade pretending he was Michael Jordan for a game, smashed the Heat. Finally in my favourite series the Suns got by the Blazers with Kid Canada leading the way. Oops, I almost forgot the Bucks-Hawks, well here’s my analysis of this series.....this video was the only thing worth watching from the 7 games. Annual Ben Roethlisberger Sexual Assault Case- just read my article on this guy, I think it explains everything pretty accurately.
The Masters- Speaking of dudes in trouble because of sex.....Tiger Woods made his return to golf at Augusta for the Masters. In one of the more disappointing displays from society, not one of the ‘patrons’ made any sexual related jokes or comments towards Woods all week. The only mention of Tiger`s sex scandal was when I rerouted a Canjet plane I was on to fly over the Masters with a sign saying Tiger was returning to Bootyism flowing behind it. Fred Couples decided at the last second to take 4 days off from sitting on his yacht and entered the tournament with his yacht shoes on and finished top 5. Phil Mickelson, minus his man boobs, won the tournament in fine fashion including a three hole stretch Saturday where he was inches away from going eagle-eagle-eagle. I haven’t seen a performance like that since this guy shot 9 under over 4 holes on the local FROLF course last week. Jim Nantz instantly became my favourite person for keeping his composure despite saying “somehow through all of this Tiger managed to 69” when describing Tiger’s final round. Tiger made headlines when he stated before the tournament he was going to stop swearing and throwing clubs on the course. This lasted roughly two holes until his first snap hook off the tee. Then we had the pleasure of watching a grown-ass man try not to throw a temper tantrum every single time he took a bad swing. Probably not the best time to hit 2 percent of the fairways eh Tiger?
NFL Draft- Most will remember this draft as the first prime time draft in NFL history. I will remember it as the day the Denver Broncos became my second favourite team. The Broncos made the biggest splash of the draft by taking my favourite human being ever Timothy Richard Tebow with the 26th pick overall. My Niners took two offensive lineman in the first round which really doesn’t excite anybody except Alex Smith and Frank Gore, but it will help immensely. The lions drafted Ndomanahdadkf Suh who I think will win defensive rookie of the year and also star in Adam Sandler’s next Hawaii based romantic comedy. Jeff Ireland, the Miami Dolphins GM, got in trouble for asking Dez Bryant if his mom is a prostitute. Not too sure if Ireland is having problems on the home front and looking for some action, but that seems like an odd question to me otherwise. Ireland should have made a trade for Roethlisberger in the off season. Seems like those two could have a great night out on the town! At least two have my friends have boners over Eric Berry going 5th overall, which is fine, but the first thing that comes to mind when I think of Eric Berry is this video. Jimmy Klausen not going until 48th was fun, as was Colt McCoy calling Mike Holmgren coach 3 times in an interview despite the fact he’s not the coach of the Browns, Eric Mangini is. But I will remember this draft for one thing........
